There are only three classes on Friday at the dojang, but TK needed a break. Brad was coming over to hang with his grandkids anyway so I took the classes and I’ll take two of the three tomorrow. Some unsuspecting advanced student will take the third and Alex will help with the younger students, as Saturday is usually pretty busy.

I don’t teach nearly as often as I would like, and many of the beginning students did not know me other than the guy married to Mrs. Murphy. The others had a class or two with me but didn’t appear to be any more confident about having me there leading the class. Classes like these are almost funny; they’ve already learned a bit of discipline and show respect to both TK and Char, but I think most of them were afraid of me.

The side glances that I get when I walk down lines of sweating students during warm up is amusing and I can practically feel the terror. They don’t know what I’m going to do to them. The rumors that swirl around regarding or rank tests are thick and anyone who has been training for more than a couple of weeks has heard one or two of them, including the agony of sparring with “that instructor” and how hard he pushes. People have even thrown up after he’s done with them.

I do push hard during rank tests. It’s not a simple measure of skill; I already know going into the test who has the necessary skills and who’s on the bubble. But when you push someone in a stressful situation they will either choke or they will pull every resource they have and refuse to quit. I want to see which student is going to gut it out.

The new students can’t know that how hard I push depends on how long they have been training and what they’re expected to know, and how in shape I expect them to be. It’s vastly different to test for a yellow belt with me than it is for brown belt or black belt. The first rank test is fairly straightforward and the only real stress is fear. If you’re testing for black belt, I will torture you.

These kids tonight don’t know that. They only know what they’ve heard and what they’ve heard is that I will run them into the ground. No one has told them that I find something powerful in teaching through play. With the average age hovering around 11 years old, tonight the beginner class seemed to be a good place for Simon Says and Mugger in the Middle. While they’re engaged in a game I can see how they’re executing technique when they think they’re not being judged. I make mental notes on the things the students as a whole need to work on, and things specific students need more attention with.

At some point they’ll come to understand that my tests and my classes are two different things, and while I am strict I’m not a hardass. It was nice to show these kids tonight that they can have fun with me. And it was a good reminder for me that I need to take on more classes.

Char wants to go tomorrow so that her students can see that she’s really all right. I’m not entirely sure about it since the little ones will want to rush at her with hugs. She says she’ll deal with it. We’ll see. (I don’t pretend that I actually get a vote.)

It’s one step closer to life getting back to normal, I suppose.