Ian's ex-wife had a stroke yesterday; her husband, Tanner, found her on kitchen floor yesterday afternoon, but he had no idea how long she had been there. Hours, he thinks, but he wasn't sure. Now she's in intensive care without having regained consciousness, and it sounds like she's only got about a 25% chance of recovery.
Ian doesn't know quite what he should be feeling; they never got to where they were friends again, but they also never got to that place where they hated each other. They've been supportive of each other, and genuinely happy for one another when life turned out a little better that they hoped when they split up.
The truth is, he spent 18 years with her, from the time they were young teenagers trying to get to know each other, Alex's age, until they split when he was 32. He spent more years loving her than he did being upset or angry with her, and if he wasn't terrified of what might happen to her, I'd be concerned.
In the last few months, Kathy and I have formed, if not a friendship, then a strong aquaintence. I used to tell Ian that I appreciated his relationship with her because she was obviously a large part in shaping who he was when I fell in love with him. I think she's part of why he's the man he is, why he didn't fall into the same traps that his brother and sister did. She helped him grow up, and grow into himself. I do like her, and feel more than a little afraid of what's happening to her.
But Ian knows what Tanner is going through right now. He knows the fear and the anguish, and the sure bargaining with God that Tanner is doing right now. He can sympathize, and he empathizes. But he's very much afraid of how it will feel if Kathy dies, and he understands that it's a real possibility.
How do you grieve for someone you're not "supposed" to love anymore?
He's going to analyze himself up one wall and down another, working ovetime to give himself the permission I don't think he needs to really grieve for her.
For now, we wait, and hope that the next time he talks to Tanner the news will be better.
Ian, I don't know if you'll remember, but you gave me advice on a similar situation some years back. Mike's former girlfriend passed away and I was unsure about MY feelings about it. You said to me that she was a part of his life and he had every right to grieve. Kathy was a much bigger part of your life and you NEED to feel, it's part of who you are! Sending my prayers.
ReplyDeleteIan would not be human if he didn't have feelings about what's happened to Kathy. Feelings change over time but never go away. We're praying for Kathy and Tanner and for you and Ian. {{HUGS}} - MeezerMomMary
ReplyDeleteI think right now what I'm feeling is empathy for Tanner; it hasn't been that long since I was sitting in an ICU room praying my ass off. I got a text from him a while ago and there's been no change. He has his kids there with him now, and they're all grown, so he has a good support system.
ReplyDeleteKathy's parents have to be going through hell right now.