Hard to argue with him

Alex is a saver; all the kids get an allowance and all are expected to save a certain percentage for their savings accounts (that they cannot touch), an annual charitable donation, and then savings that they can touch, but he's taken saving to a new level.

Between cash birthday and Christmas gifts, his allowance, extra chores, and working for his grandfather, he's saved enough that I regret ever having agreed to pay half of whatever car he intends to buy when he gets his license.

Last night he cornered me in my office; he covets my iPad, and thinks one will be useful for school. He does not expect me to buy it for him, but wanted to take money out of savings for it.

I'm fine with that.

But then, I'd also like to get Rachel one as an early birthday present.

That surprised me but I am not against it; I did tell him to think about it hard, because that was a huge chunk of money and she hasn't expressed an interest in one.

Well, not to you she hasn't.

He had more.

I also want to replace my cell phone. And if I get one, can Kevin have my old one?

Now, he knows we relented on giving him and Rachel cell phones before we wanted to. But he presented fairly well thought out reasoning: Kevin isn't in a private school anymore; he's in a different environment that might be less safe overall. He feels safer, but, you know, Columbine. Phones were helpful there. And he's kind of the odd man out; all of his friends have cell phones now, and he's really missing out. Not to mention, Elizabeth would like to be able to text him and he's tired of Kevin borrowing his phone to text her.

I'll pay the extra that it costs to get his phone number.

Kevin has never asked us for a phone because he knew what the answer would be; I know where Alex is coming from, though, because Kevin borrows everyone's phone to send Elizabeth random messages.

I wouldn't tell him yes or no on that because I had to talk to Char, but she agreed later, as long as Kevin doesn't use it at school, cell phones are a losing battle and it would be nice to be able to call him while he's outside rather than go looking for him.

This morning, Alex was still determined to get his sister her own iPad, so once she and Kevin had left for school we went out and got them; he got everything set up and charged by the time she was home.

She shrieked so loudly when he gave it to her that I'm a little surprised his ears didn't start bleeding.

He also handed over his old cell phone to Kevin and was rewarded with a high five and You're freaking awesome!

No, we didn't make him pay for adding Kevin to the cell phone plan. He was being extremely generous as it was, so we got him a new phone and had his old one set up for Kevin. The one thing I worried about, that Kevin would feel like he was getting yet another hand-me-down, was unfounded. He was thrilled.

It will make for a very quite drive to the condo this weekend. They can all keep themselves occupied and if he's good, I'll let Kevin play with my iPad on the drive.

Another one I need to scare off

There's another squeaky new-teenage kid hanging around the house, staring at my daughter like she's it and he's going to die if she doesn't smile at him one more more time he dies. And I'm thinking, I can help with that.

He's been sniffing around here for about a week, and I'm not sure what his name is, but I think Rach and Kevin have been calling him "Cheese." Seriously, what I hear is "Cheese" but I haven't wanted her to think I care enough to ask to be sure.

I'd ask Alex, but his reaction to Cheese is close to mine: no trust there, he just glares at the kid. This works for me, because if this kid is as afraid of Alex as he seems to be of me, maybe he won't be the little dick that SETH! turned out to be.

I've made it pretty clear to Rachel that he can hang around here the same as her other friends, but there's no going out yet. She turns 14 in January, and if he's still hanging around, I'll relent then.

Since the school change, Rachel and Kevin have both been much happier kids. It's been interesting to see them explore their individuality; they don't have to wear uniforms to school anymore, so we did cut them loose in the mall for the most part (Rachel shopped with Alex, Kevin was with us but he had free reign) to buy school clothes, and I admit I was surprised at their choices. Alex was given permission to say no to some things we thought Rachel would want, but for the most part she's dressing far more conservatively than we supposed she would. Jeans and cute t-shirts, tighter than I would like but Char has pointed out more than once that we can't fight biology, and the shirts are going to seem tighter to dad than they really are. I expected Kevin to head for designer clothing since he seems interested in it, but he wanted jeans, slacks, and t-shirts. I really thought he would be the kid in the dress slacks and fitted dress shirts, and I still see him in that in high school, but he wants to be comfortable to horse around, something he actually gets time to do in the new school.

We can't complain about their grades, either. Rachel is trying again, mostly B's, and Kevin is doing really well, A's and B's with a little struggling in math, but Alex is helping him there.

And Alex is facing finals; he recently got the first C of his life and it was a wake-up call for him. A good thing, overall. He's using all his free time to study and to help Stephanie with her homework (really, it's a way for them to spend time together since they don't have much right now.) He put in the paperwork to graduate at the semester break, and next semester it will be college classes only, but we also talked to the principal and she wanted Alex to understand that he is still considered a part of the class and is welcome to attend the prom and other activities until the end of the year.

After the end of the semester, though, his focus in on February 2, 2011. Not that he gives a damn about his mother's and my 16th anniversary: he can get his learner's permit then. Presuming I allow it.

Cuz teh kidz knead an edumacashun.

So.

While Char and I were flitting halfway around the world, getting acquainted with family I had not seen since infancy—and a side trip to visit my cousin's grave; his is a sad story I may someday share—and meeting Peter's family, Brad held down the fort here and stayed with the kids. And while he was at it, he overindulged them on a daily basis, claiming he was exercising his God-given rights as a Grandfather.

While we were gone, the last friend Rachel really had at school left for public school, and while Kevin likes his new teacher, the teasing and not-so-subtle threats continued from his former classmates. Rachel has just been miserable, and Kevin—while he says he can handle it and he's not worried or upset—shouldn't have to deal with any of this.

We promised the kids we'd take a much more serious look at their school situation when we returned, and we did. As is our right, even in this private school, we dropped in unannounced with the intent to wander around a bit and see what exactly is going on around the campus. What struck us both is that it's eerily quiet. A year ago the place was crawling with kids and the noise level was disturbing. Now, it seems like there are only half the numbers of students that there were. It wouldn't surprise me, given that tuition jumped 25% from last year to this year, to find out that enrollment halved.

Still, we didn't expect what we found. Rachel complained that she wasn't against making new friends, but there just weren't that many kids her age around. Given that she has her late grandfather's tendency towards hyperbole, we didn't think it was that bad, but in clearer perspective, it is that bad. There were enough seventh graders last year for three separate homerooms; this year there is one eighth grade homeroom, and it's not large. Most of Rachel's classmates are boys; she's as boy-crazy as the next 13 year old girl, but those aren't the kids she wants to hang around and gossip with.

The final straw, so to speak, came from Damien (yes, that Damien.) We decided to have lunch with the kids and he was there with his girlfriend, looking for Rachel. With Alex not there at lunch anymore, he's taken it upon himself to look after Rachel and to make sure she's not sitting alone all the time.

Trust me, I never thought I would be grateful to this kid for anything. But he has matured considerably in the last year, and is starting to think of others and considers how his impulses affect them before he acts. He struggles with it, but is trying hard (his father has related to TK) to stop being a boy and start being a man. I can appreciate that. While Char waited for Kevin, Damien pulled me aside and told me something Rachel never has.

She cries, nearly every day. He sees her in the morning before going to class, and she's usually teary-eyed as she heads to homeroom. Most of the time when he sees her at lunch, it looks like she's been crying. As far as he can tell—and he's been checking around—no one is picking on her or teasing her, she's just sad. His girlfriend says that from what she can tell talking to Rachel, she's just very lonely and every day feels like she's the new kid. Except, eventually the new kid makes friends, and three months into the school year she doesn't know anyone she feels like she can trust.

The older kids don't want to hang around the junior high kids. The younger kids are afraid of the eight graders. Rachel is floundering in a sea of boys just hitting puberty, and while she enjoys flirting with them, she doesn't see being friends with any of them.

Damien had a sense of why we were there, and just wanted me to know.

The thing is, Rachel has plenty of friends. Our house crawls with her friends after school and on weekends; it's not as if she lacks for someone in whom she can confide, and she texts like a maniac. All her friends are now enrolled in the public school, though, and something about being alone during the school day gnaws at her.

If it were a simple matter of the only thing wrong being that Rachel is lonely at school, we'd work harder at helping her find ways to cope. It's not a fatal situation; she has an abundance of friends and doesn't lack for contact with them. But we have become disenchanted with this school to a degree that makes it seem like more effort than it's worth to push her to suck it up and deal with it. And in the meantime, her grades were beginning to suffer.

Believe me, we went back and forth more than once, we spoke to the parents of many of her and Kevin's friends about changing to the public school and how happy they we were with the level of education their kids are getting, and across the board they seem satisfied. There is some teaching of the tests, but otherwise the teachers seem engaged and interested in what they're teaching the kids.

We gave them the final choice: stay put, or transfer to a new school. We realized that one might want to stay and another might want to transfer, and we were ready to deal with it, but both Kevin and Rachel jumped at it. So Friday morning we took them over to the school they would be attending and they were given a tour and assigned lockers, and after that we formally withdrew them from their current school.

Kevin will be there for the next two years; Rachel only until the end of this school year, but she didn't want to wait, and I can't blame her.

Alex, on the other hand, is sticking with it. If he transferred, it was unclear where he would be placed within the public school system, as a sophomore or a junior, and the way things are now he can apply to graduate at the semester break this year if he wants to. He has all his required classes and will be done with his electives, but he could easily stay put and graduate next year with the rest of his class if he wants.

I highly doubt that's what he wants.
Funny enough, as we were filling out the withdrawal paperwork, for the first time since Alex and Rachel started there, we were offered a discount on their tuition if we would keep them enrolled. There was no making the woman understand that money was not the issue (though I will be glad to not write that check this January) but the kids' long term happiness was.

The concept seemed foreign; kids' happiness? Should that even matter?

It does to me.

Time in a broken bottle

We're giving serious thought to finding a new school for the kids. Several of their friends are already gone, their parents moving them from this parochial setting to either public schools or charter schools; between the transportation headaches for Alex, Rachel not giving a damn one way one the other about school in general, and Kevin having a teacher so homophobic that she's hell bent on forcing her own warped version of what a man is on him, we're questioning the value of keeping them there.

The dissatisfaction has grown from a small kernal of wondering what the hell was starting to happen over the last few years to full blown, WTF this year. The level of education has been above acceptable, that level has been how we've justified the expense, but how the kids are being treated, and how they feel in the current school climate is what bothers us so much. We can deal with Alex having to be carted around all day in order to get his classes in; technically at the end of this semester he can apply to graduate. He has all the credits he needs and will have all the required classes. We've encouraged him to stay in order to have the full high school experience with his friends, but as his friends trickle out the door there are fewer reasons for him to remain there. Half of his friends are doing what he's doing: three classes at the high school in the morning, then being picked up and taken to the community college for the rest of their classes. The other half of his circle of friends is comprised of kids who have left in favor of public school, and a few who are there because their parents are either ultra-Catholic and approve of the climate change, or they're on scholarship and don't want to lose that. He doesn't seem to think it matters particularly what he does; his friends, for the most part, live nearby and if we allow him to graduate he won't lose his social circle. Some of the other things we worry about on his behalf, things like the experience of going to the prom, he says he'll still have. Even if he leaves, he can still go to those things with his girlfriend.

Rachel simply doesn't seem to care about school this year. Most of her friends left over the school year; a few moved, most are now in the public school, but the former friend reminding her day in and day out of how much her life sucks is the little shithead who broke her heart over the summer. She's a personable kid and usually has no trouble making new friends, but the joy of everything seem to have been sucked right out of it for her and she's not even trying. The one person who seems to be looking out for her after Alex leaves campus is, surprisingly, Damien. Yes, that Damien (this is a kid who has changed so much he really isn't the same person anymore.) Kevin says that no matter where Rachel hides in the cafeteria at lunch, or if she's at a bench outside, Damien and his girlfriend find her and sit with her, so she's not alone. But she is adrift.

Kevin, though, has the worst of it this year. This is the first year of junior high, an introductory year, which helps; the sixth grade kids have half a day with one teacher, and then they move between three classes with other teachers. His homeroom teacher, the one he is stuck with most of the day, has decided that Kevin is too effeminate and that it's her lot on life to get him to man up. Her words. "Man up." Without going into specifics, partly to protect him and partly because there very well may be legal remedy involved, she is embracing the Catholic line and seems to believe that her job and his soul depend on getting him to become just another testosterone laden pubescent drone. He was uncertain about her on the first day of school, less certain the second, and distraught by the third. I've already engaged in two discussions with her and another with the school principal, but I don't see her behaviors changing any more than I expect Kevin's to change.

He's had in-school suspension once so far, the school year only a couple of weeks old, for being overheard grumbling, "I'm not gay but you're a royal bitch."

The easy answer is to have him switch classes, and that's likely what will happen. But until that can be facilitated, he's stuck with a teacher who has made up her mind about him in an unfavorable light, judging him for who she thinks he might be and not who he definitely is. She doesn't accept my insistence that he is not old enough to really know who he is and that he should have the support and tolerance of the adults around him while he figures it out, nor does she agree that whatever he might be should be accepted regardless. We must, she seems to think, "pray for him." Unspoken: pray the gay away.

This may be our breaking point.

Alex is ready to move on, Rachel wants to be with her friends, and if the school refuses to support me on Kevin's issues--the likely scenario is that we'll move the kids to other schools. It would be the first time they haven't all attended the same campus, and the first time they haven't had each other to turn to at school.

We are having dinner with Elizabeth's parents tomorrow, because they have many of the same concerns as we do and many of the same questions, and as close as she and Kevin are, if she leaves for a public school, it might be better for his sake if he does as well.

Eventually, I think it's inevitable; it really comes down to when.

Countdown to Thursday

A cliche as it is, the last 10 days have been busy as hell. Between work on my dad's house, field trips, dance and TKD classes, and helping Alex and Rachel prepare for finals, we're tired enough that ten o'clock rolls and around and we just fall into bed. This is the last week of school, though, and today is the last field trip to chaperon. I went on three last week, two with Kevin's class (zoo and museum) and one with Rachel's class (museum) but Ian went today: to the amusement park. He agreed to go, I think, because 1) there's a ton of junk food there and 2) Rachel really wanted him to.

He also went because the Parent In Charge asked him to, specifically. Seventh grade boys aren't all that intimidated by the moms that typically go on the field trips, but they're usually wary of Ian and do what he says. The kids like him because he lets them get away with a lot, but he's physically intimidating enough that when he tells them to do something or stop doing something, they listen. Not that they don't complain, but they listen.

I may wish later I'd tagged along, but frankly after last week, I've had enough for this school year. The field trips were fun, but wrangling all those kids is very tiring, and it just makes a person realize that there's no amount of money good enough for the teachers who deal with them 5 days a week.

We don't have to be fair, we're the parents

Ian got home late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning and was exhausted, so I let him sleep while I took the kids to school I don't think he stirred until almost noon, and he spent the rest of the day stubbornly refusing to get dressed; if he put clothes on, he might have to do something productive, and productivity was not on his schedule.

Fine; I didn't mind and didn't have anything for him to do, though I did ask him to wear a shirt to the dinner table, but it was off fifteen minutes later.

At eight o'clock he was standing in the kitchen, reaching into a high cabinet for Rachel, when Alex wandered in wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

We've never really had a rule about being fully clothed outside of bedrooms; as long as the goods are covered, we've never said anything and it's never bothered any of the kids until now; Rachel sighed hard and asked dramatically, "Can't any of you guys put pants on? Do you have to walk around in your underwear?"

Ian annoyed her even further when he looked down at his baggy shorts and grumbled, "I'm not wearing any underwear."

In the middle of her over-acted sigh of despair Kevin headed into the kitchen, just in time to hear her say, "If I see one more boy in his underwear, I think I'll scream."

She turned around, and Kevin dropped his pants. She didn't scream, but instead stomped off, leaving a trail of complaints about the male gender behind her.

I have to be honest, I had to work very hard at not laughing at Kevin's quick thinking, but there's a new rule now: no one walks around the house pantless anymore.

The boys didn't mind, but I'm willing to bet Rachel has a few choice words the next time she walks from the bathroom to her bedroom wrapped in a towel and Ian or I tell her start dressing in the bathroom.

That will just be unfair.

Watching the kids get in this last week's worth of workouts before their test on Saturday has been quite telling in the differences between them.

Kevin is excited; to him this is fun, and he wants to earn his black belt mostly because he senses the parental pride that will come with it, in spite of our efforts to not let them think that we find the rank-chase a worthy effort. We don't. We've tried to make sure over the years that all the kids see that we value the art itself and the progress they make, not whatever color happens to be hanging around their waist while they're in class. But he knows that when (not if; he's incredibly confident) he passes the test, we'll both be very proud of him. And we will; perhaps not because it's a black belt, but because he's embraced his training willingly and has earned every belt he's tested for.

Rachel wants to earn her black belt, too, but her approach is more like "if I pass, I pass; if I don't, life will go on." She's training extra this week, but she's not killing herself to find perfection; she understands that she's either already developed the skills she needs or she hasn't. If she falls short, there's always the next testing cycle, or the one after that, if she wants to continue with it. I think she does, but she's also looking forward to being a more typical student, only setting foot in the dojang two or three times a week. This isn't her passion; she enjoys it, but she wouldn't be crushed without it.

Alex wants to pass this test more than anything. He's training hard; he was willing to spend all day at my dad's house working but he still wanted to hit the dojang afterward to work out (but to be clear, because this is so important to him the work on my dad's house is suspended, and he'll help after school starting next week.) His intensity is incredible; Ian takes all the kids to the dojang in the morning, I pick up Rachel and Kevin after 90 minutes or so, and he stays with Alex to work for another 2-3 hours. Where the kids all want to get it right, Alex wants to touch perfection, and he wants to understand every movement, both in action and reason.

All the kids get that part of the reason we gave them no choice about training when they were younger is that we wanted them to have an understanding of self defense, and we wanted them to develop a habit of physical activity. That Kevin finds it fun was a bonus, and that Rachel understands that it's not her life, but a small sliver of it is wonderful. But Alex wants something more from it; he found it fun when he was younger, too, but he wants to step beyond that and beyond being able to defend himself. He's embracing the discipline that comes with getting beyond that first degree black belt; he wants to analyze it and he wants to develop the control that comes with taking it seriously.

When this test is over on Saturday, it really will mark a change in our lives. We've asked the kids to carefully consider the schedules they want to follow, what activities are most important to them, and which things they won't be heartbroken over not being able to do, because honestly, with three of them and two of us, they may not get to do everything they want because we can't be in two places at once. I do know that we won't be taking them to classes at the dojang every day; there will be dance lessons, swim team practice, baseball, and other things that capture their interests. But on Sunday we'll sit down with them and start trying to figure out who gets to do what, and when, and try to make it as fair as possible. I suspect the things they choose will be as diverse as they've shown themselves to be. Kevin will go for whatever is most fun for him, Rachel will bounce from activities that suit her whims at the time, and Alex will choose whatever he can use to develop the most focus and control.

Before we get to all that, though, I hope they take a break, because I think Ian and I need a nap.

Akex figured out the whole Santa thing when he was three years old. Rather than relate the whole tale, I would direct you to something Thump wrote several years ago (and thanks for digging up the link for me, Thumps.) He was very good about never spoiling the whole thing for Rachel, and later Kevin, but on a parental plane, not having that with him was something we later realized we missed.

Now Kevin has admitted that he's figured it out, too, but he won't spoil it for Toni and Travis--and he now understands why Alex saves money fanatically all through the year, only to spend it all in one giant shopping trip after which he comes home empty handed.

He wants to go with Alex this year; he's got exactly $16.45 in his piggy bank, but he wants to spend it all on a toy and then donate the it (Dad will sneak him a little extra cash, but he won't know that until we get to the store.) Alex's only reservation in Kevin tagging alog was whether or not it would bother me: this is something he and I have done together for the last 11 years and he wasn't sure if I would resent it if he brought Kevin into it.

Hardly. I hate shopping but I am looking forward to this. Once established that I didn't mind this shopping trip not being just Alex and I they invited Rachel, too, but she declined, understanding, I think, that I might want to have something with just my boys.

She would be correct; still, I would also like to find something that's just for her and me (that doesn't involve shirtless werewolves and sparkling vampires) but she's a hard read sometimes. She's sweet and genuine, but she's also close to turning 13 and is smack in the middle of everything that brings with it.

I'll figure it out.

I guess the point really is that my kids get it, and they got it without much input from me. I'm not sure how I could be any prouder of them for how generous they inherently are.

Pulled up to the school to pick the kids up and they were standing together, laughing so hard that Rachel was leaning against Alex. When they saw the car they rushed to jump in and immediately the sound level jacked up and they were talking over each other; I never did find out what was so damned funny, but I wish I had a photo of that moment.

Never want to again hear Alex explain to his sister why she just can't barge in on him without knocking and waiting for an invitation into his room.

And the next kid to whine But why is going to meet pissed off Dad.

Her hangover mostly abated, Char decided tonight was a good night to offer babysitting services to Erin and Miko. Essentially this meant “bring the kids over, Grandpa will suffer diaper duty and will intimidate his granddaughter into eating broccoli and I will play with them.” I don’t mind diapers and I don’t mind staring down a 6 year old until the vegetables are gone, but I expect something for it and being the one to play with them would be nice.

When our kids were told their cousins were coming over, they couldn’t have been happier. They learned quickly that if I have to cook for a 6 year old, it’s going to be hot dogs and macaroni & cheese with a broccoli chaser, something that turns Char’s stomach (Do you know what’s in hot dogs? That’s not even real cheese! How can you feed them that?) And they started making plans for activities with the 6 year old that did not involve either Char or myself.

Basically, I was down to feeding through intimidation and diapers. Play time with my granddaughter was usurped, but hell, I could hold the boy hostage.

Except that Alex got to his baby cousin first and I don’t think I held him for more than 5 minutes in the first four hours he was here. I waited for the first dirty diaper to rear its ugly head, but Alex took care of that. He handled the bottles. And he wandered through the living room carrying the baby and announced that he really wanted one of these. From the other side of the sofa I heard Char mutter I am tying your dick in a knot until you’re twenty five.

Considering he can out walk her run right now, he wasn’t worried.

Char and I didn’t actually get any time with either of the grandkids until an hour before Erin and Miko came to pick them up, and then it was only because Rachel wanted to make cookies and they handed the baby over because they knew their attentions would be divided.

I think it struck both of us while we sat on the sofa holding a very sleepy baby: Alex turns 14 in less than three weeks. Erin landed on our doorstep when she was just shy of sixteen, and shortly after that Miko was sniffing around, trying to convince me he was worthy of dating my niece. He had a brand new driver’s license and a POS car, he barely had peach fuzz, and he wanted to take my niece places.

I did not relent easily. Aside from the circumstances under which we assumed custody of Erin, I had never parented a teenage girl; Char wasn’t that far removed from those years and was perhaps more sympathetic than I, but our parental experiences were limited to someone who spoke monosyllabically and ran around with gummi worms hanging out of his nose.

Miko was patient. He spent an entire year not dating Erin, but hanging around our house, allowing us the time to get to know him and trust him. I don’t doubt that there wasn’t a whole lot of tonsil hockey being played when we weren’t looking, but he was respectful without being boorish about it, and I gradually warmed up to him.

Char made the decision, finally. She caught me when my defenses were down and pointed out that their prom was four months away, and it would probably be a good idea if I let them go on an actual date before then. Whatever Erin had done before she came to live with us didn’t count; she’d earned our trust and deserved to have it shown. I relented; as long as he had her back by curfew—and I was a son of a bitch about what time—they could go out.

He never failed to have her home at least half an hour before curfew. The night of their junior prom, while we waited in the living room and I grudgingly said he could keep her out until 2, when the venue they would be at officially closed, he was man enough to look me in the eye and tell me he knew what I was most concerned about, and he would absolutely not try that.

I got no promise the next year while he waited for her to get ready for their senior prom, and I do not want to know; what I do know is that he has always treated her with respect, and he has always treated my relationship with her with respect.

Alex is in his sophomore year; it’s a year early, but in a few months he will be at a point in school where Erin was when Miko first began working overtime to be allowed to date her. If we hold him to my anger-inspired declaration that he’s not dating until he’s sixteen, he’ll be a senior. He wouldn’t have that experience of being stared down by someone’s father for his junior prom, and he won’t have the opportunity to prove himself, either to a girl’s father or to us, before he’s very nearly out of high school.

The greater question becomes whether or not we risk stunting him socially because I had a knee jerk reaction to his sixteen year old girlfriend, or we hold fast because I don’t want him making hormonal mistakes when he’s too young to have a clear head about them.

Char reminded me that I gave Miko a chance just by letting him hang around here; Erin wasn’t ready to actually date for a long time after she moved in, but I did let the little hornball stay for hours on end. Alex is at least as mature as those two were, so why not give him the chance?

I’m not sure I’m happy about it, but she is right. And I appreciate that she’s trying to make it seem like this was my decision when we both know who made it. Alex won’t be able to drive for two more years, so chances are he’ll have to avail himself of Dad’s Taxi, but we’re going to allow him to at least put himself out there.

Hard lesson for a 10 year old to learn: it's not wise to yell across the dojang floor Rachel has boobs! when your older brother is right there, waiting to give you an atomic wedgy.

In his defense, Kevin was not trying to be mean, he simply noticed for the first time. He also now has a basic understanding of how protective Alex is of their sister.

God help the first teenaged boy to blink at her.

A slice of news to me: Char probably could have gone home by Friday, but the PT people feel I will not push her hard enough at home. In fact, they are sure I will baby her and not let her do even routine things that she needs to attempt on her own. My assurances mean little, so she’s staying over the weekend. No, I don’t like seeing her in pain and I will do everything I can to make that not happen, but I’m not stupid and I understand that there is a process to recovery that would be in her best interests to suffer through.

I have arranged for private PT and I’ve taken a leave of absence so that I can drive her to and from every day. I won’t try to make her lounge in bed all day. If she says she can do something then she can do it except try to walk down the stairs on her own.

Tonight she is mad as hell, but it has nothing to do with laundry or anything stupid I’ve said or done or not said or done. Tonight she was informed by the orthopedic surgeon that she can forget TKD for at least a year because it’s going to take at least that long for her to heal enough. If she goes back before then she risks disability. The dojang has already lost Dack as a regular instructor and I haven’t been on the schedule on a weekly basis for several years. Mostly it’s TK and Char and without her he’s going to take on a significant burden. I can step up and take a couple of classes a week but once I go back to work I’m not sure how many classes I can teach.

It will eventually work out, but she’s freaking out at the idea that not only can she not train, but the onus is on TK. Long story short on him, he was just getting back to having a social life and having to take most of the classes is going to be a kick in the nuts for him.

Dack dropped the kids off to have lunch with Char and me today and we went down to the cafeteria. Alex is grunting at me, which is an improvement. He evidently told Rachel and Kevin about my horrible past of having an ex-wife and they had questions, but neither of them is upset by the idea. For Rachel it was more of a so-what thing and Kevin feigned shock and said dramatically “Well next thing I know you’re going to tell me I’m adopted!” He got an almost-laugh out of Alex and a “they found you under a rock” from Rachel.

I get what’s happening with Alex. 12-16 can be hard years, especially with boys. Still, the entire process of individuation isn’t any easier because I know that’s what’s happening. We’ve been butting heads for a few months and we’ll keep butting heads, and from his POV it doesn’t help that Char and I are considerably more strict that his friends’ parents seem to be. I’ll give him another day or two to chew on it but at some point I have to let him know the attitude is unacceptable and I’m finished tolerating it. Any other time I would have put my foot down by now but I have to give the kids some leeway right now. He may be less angry about finding out about my ex than he is that he needs his mother to come home.

I would have guessed that of all the kids Kevin would be taking this the hardest, but he’s doing better than I expected. It helps that Char calls him every day. Rachel is pretty much the same, as long as she can talk to Char and knows that everything is eventually going to get back to normal she’s fine. Alex, though, I think he feels quite a bit like I do. Like he should have been able to do something to stop this from happening and that he should be able to do something now to help her feel better and to heal. There’s a lot of anger directed at me because while he wishes he could fix everything, I should have fixed everything by now. It doesn’t matter that he also understands that’s not remotely realistic. It’s just age and his disposition at work.

As annoyed as he is--I came home tonight to find my laundry done and folded and stacked on my bed. And he did it for me.

Tomorrow I am not heading for the hospital as early (and Char is already aware of this and doesn’t expect me) to spend some time with the kids. They’ve been patient enough and even though they’ve had fun with Dack and Theresa it would be nice if they got to have some fun with one of their parents. I don’t do well sitting in theaters but there’s a movie they want to see and I’d selfishly like to be the one that takes them. Dack and Theresa would if the kids asked, but it would also be nice if they didn’t have to ask anyone and they just got to go.

I tend to forget what life looks like through the eyes of a little boy. Alex walk through life these days with a grown-up height of perspective. He’s already six feet tall and aside from the new-teenager hiccups he’s reasonable mature. Rachel is a few inches over five feet and she’s tough. She’s had to be in order to survive two brothers. But Kevin is small for even a ten year old—he’s a long way from hitting five feet and looks at everything from the same height as the average six year old. He has a big heart, though, and he tends to wear it on his sleeve.

I would do well to remember that with better clarity.

We decided that the kids would see her one at a time initially, just to see how it would go. Because Alex has been there, Rachel went in to see her first, and she was fine. Once I was sure she was all right I left the room, because I have been made acutely aware over the couple of days that there are things my daughter needs her mother to talk about with, and that would happen if I was there. Alex went in next because Kevin was otherwise occupied with the automatic faucet in the men’s room, but as soon as he was over his fascination with it I got Alex so his little brother could have some time alone with their mother.

Kevin was excited, he had been all morning and he ran from the waiting room into her room. But once he was in there he stopped so fast that his sneakers chirped against the tile floor. It was what I was afraid of. I’m not sure what he expected to see and we tried to prepare him for seeing his mother bruised, in a cast and a leg brace, and how tired she was going to look but it didn’t sink in. He got one look and froze, and then started to cry.

I had a selfish moment of panic because I wasn’t sure of what to do, make him stay and talk to her or pick him up and take him out. Char knew what to do, though. She asked me to lower the railing on the bed and she coaxed him over, and when he managed to make himself take those last few steps to the bed I lifted him up so that he could stretch out next to her.

I know what that cost her in pain. He barely moved but she’s sore as hell and it’s agony for her to move even the right side of her body. I had to clench my teeth to keep from reminding him to be careful, but she cuddled him close for a while. I don’t know what she said to him to calm him down because I waited in the doorway to give them some privacy. But twenty minutes later he was sitting on the edge of the bed and was happy enough, and she had me get Alex and Rachel.

They stayed for another half an hour before I made them clear out. Again, I am the World’s Meanest Dad. They went home with their grandfather, and Char is sleeping now. She was glad to see them but it wiped her out. We’ll see how she feels later and decide whether or not they can come back today or if they’ll wait until tomorrow.

In the last week she’s seen at least five different doctors. The ER doctor, our personal physician, two surgeons, and some random doctor assigned to her case but she’s only been in there twice that we know of. I threw in a sixth today when I met with the PIC of the ICU to discuss her pain management. It was actually anticlimactic. I went in there ready to butt heads but he had already reviewed her chart and spoken with our doctor and the random doctor and agreed that something needed to be done to manage her pain better. He switched her from an IV medication to Percoset and she says she feels more clear headed and instead of her pain being off the chart it’s around 8 on a 1-10 scale.

That was around nine this morning and before lunch they moved her out of ICU to another floor. She’s in a private room so there won’t be any disruptions from a roommate and the kids can all start to visit her. Alex spent an hour with her this afternoon and I felt comfortable enough to leave them alone for most of it. They didn’t need me hovering and to be honest I needed to walk the halls for a little while and it was nice to have a chance to get food that didn’t come out of a vending machine.

Because I have friends who are a bad influence on him, a few weeks ago Alex bought himself a Kindle and he brought it with him today and left it with Char so that she would have something to do. He bought a couple of books for it he thought she would like and she’ll be able to read without having to turn pages. This kid is a heavy reader and for him to give it up means a lot (though he did hint that it might be a good idea if I bought her one of her own, considering all the down time she’s facing in coming months. I feel stupid for not thinking of something like that myself.)

This is where I clear my throat and point out that someone we know is writing a book and she would very much like to read it even if it is still in the rough stages. Just saying.

Tomorrow I’m letting Rachel and Kevin come. I’m not convinced it’s the best idea yet but she really wants to see them and Rachel especially needs to see her mother, as I am apparently not the go-to parent for things a pre-teen girl need. It was quite the shock to find out she’s more comfortable discussing certain things with her older brother. He believes it’s because she doesn’t want to bother me with anything right now but I don’t want to put him in that position with his sister and I don’t want her to feel like she can’t come to me ever.

Kevin is the one I am most uncertain about bringing over, but Brad will be here and if Kevin balks at the last minute he can hang out with his grandpa in the cafeteria. He’s ten but he’s a sensitive ten, so we'll see what happens when he gets here.

Char is starting to ask questions about the accident but there's not much I can tell her. I know I have to deal with the legal side of things soon. And a couple people have asked in email, so I'll answer it. The guy that hit her was drunk but he did not survive. And we'll leave it at that.