Things I learned yesterday

Boobs are not puppets, and women don't appreciate it if you treat them like they are, especially not with goofy voices, and especially not with her father in the house (though I would have refrained if I'd known he was there; he's a sneaky bastard and showed up while I was taking a shower.)

Things are only made worse by insinuating to her father, even in an off-handed kind of way, that his daughter has some very specific talents; he might appreciate that, but that doesn't mean she wants him to have any idea what she likes/doesn't like/is especially, incredibly, overwhelmingly good at.

After two royal blunders within an hour, it's really stupid to joke Woman, make me a sammich, because she will, but it will be your least favorite, and she will threaten to stuff it down your throat.

Never, ever, even remotely, minutely, infinitesimally agree with her when she mentions she feels like she's gotten a little curvier, even if you say it in a way that suggests you like those curves. Don't offer to show her how much you like those curves, either, because you've already blown it and that just makes it worse.

If she gets mad enough to call you a dick, slams the door in your face, takes the kids grocery shopping after school instead of coming straight home, then tells you that you're not having dinner at home but you're going out with your friends because she has arranged a playdate for her most immature child, you've overstepped the line badly enough that a simple apology isn't going to cut it.

If, when you get home, she's soaking in the bathtub and the kids warn you to not go in there, go in there anyway. Just take a bottle of wine, a single glass, and a handful of dark chocolate; then apologize, offer to make hot chocolate for everyone when she gets done soaking, and then don't stop apologizing until she probably wouldn't mind if you turn her boobs into puppets.

But don't do it, because one way or the other, that will come back to bite you in the ass.