Much of New Year's Eve was spent on the back patio with Alex; sitting in a lawn chair next to his old man was probably not how he intended to spend the evening, but Stephanie was happily hanging around the kitchen with Char and Rachel. If it really bothered him he hid it well--he understands that for Stephanie an evening baking cookies with Char is a big deal. Her mother has been gone long enough that she doesn't really remember her, something to which Char can relate. I think because of that, Char makes an effort to carve out time for Stephanie; she worries about the effect that will have if Alex and Stephanie ever break up, but for now, she's willing to be that female figure in Steph's life. She remembers how it felt, perhaps even on a scale grander than Stephanie feels it, because the women in Brad's life were transient at best, and none of them were someone she could really look up to.
Alex understands that, and he's never complained when his girlfriend comes over to see him but winds up spending more time with his mother and sister. On New Year's Even, though, I don't think he was exactly happy about it.
I think it did make him feel better, however, that I would have preferred to be somewhere with his mother that didn't include ringing in the new year with our kids.
I also would have preferred to be inside where it wasn't so cold that even my toes wanted to invert, but he was sitting outside and it seemed like a good idea to join him. For some reason, if I can get Alex out there on the patio, where his brother and sister aren't in ear shot, I can get him talking. Usually when we're alone out there I can get him talking about the things going on in his life, whether it's serious or not. Last night he turned the tables on me; he asked about my ex-wife.
Because he was so angry when he first found out about her, and because he shut down somewhat at the mere hint of my having had a life before he was born, when Kathy died we vacillated so long on whether it was something to tell the kids or not that by the time we decided, it was basically a non-issue. They were never going to meet her; they knew that Char spoke to her and liked her, but that relationship was strictly online and sometimes on the phone, and it was never going to cross into let's be friends. She had her life, I had mine, and never the twain shall meet, so to speak.
However, now Uncle Craig is here a lot, and Alex has overheard some of our conversations, and some of the talk has revolved around his feelings for her. Alex was curious; how the hell could Uncle Craig fall for his own brother's wife? To tell him it was complicated would be an understatement, and it's not even a question I have a concrete answer for. I don't think Craig does, either.
But, last night Alex wanted to know about it, and with the little I told him, he latched onto the idea that Craig would have happily started something with Kathy if she's made him think there was a snowball's chance in hell of that ever happening. I couldn't give Alex most of the answers he wanted; most of his questions were clearly about things that are none of his business. I can't and won't speak for my brother, and I can't say for certain what kind of interaction he had with Kathy before she met and married Tucker. But then he asked something that gave me pause. Now that he's sober, do you think he'll try to win her over?
My gut reaction wasn't borne out of grief; I still miss the idea of Kathy being alive and happy with her family, but whatever there was between us was long gone when she died. I appreciate Tucker's consideration in letting me know when she had the stroke and when she died, but what I felt wasn't really grief so much as it was sorrow for all the lost potential. Yet at that moment, I didn't want to tell Alex the truth; it felt like a serious lie of omission. Had we told the kids when it happened, it would have been shrugged off with a Sorry. That sucks. But after all this time, I worried he would be angry.
I worry too much.
He grasped that we got the news about her death while on a ski trip to celebrate Kevin's birthday, and that overall our job was to protect our kids from something that might have detracted from that. "We didn't know her," Alex pointed out. "Yeah, so what good would it have done to tell us?"
What he wanted to know, more than the idea that Craig might have made a move if she was still alive, was about her stepkids. Are her kids all right? Do you know?
I wish I did know, at least enough to tell him they're getting along fine. But I truthfully have no idea.
When we finally headed inside, there was hot chocolate waiting for us--they thought we would need it, given how frigid it was out there--and when midnight rolled around I realized that Alex made sure he was standing right next to Stephanie, and he wasn't the least bit shy about kissing the new year in with her.
That left Kevin and Rachel to high five each other, because there was no way in hell either of them was kissing the other.
I have to admit, I enjoyed the time spent in the cold with my oldest son; the times we'll have together like that will become fewer as time speeds on. But it was, to say the least, a nice way to end 2010, and greeting 2011 with his mother, there's not much better than that.
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