4 AM

Ian woke me at around four o'clock this morning; he snuggled just a little too close, held on a little too tight, and the result was waking me up. My first thought was "no way in hell, mister, not right now" but other than trying to practically staple himself to me he wasn't trying anything. So, fine, I rolled onto my side and was going to toss a leg over his and get a little closer, when I realized his eyes were open and he looked terribly upset.

"I have to tell you something."
"All right."
"Because it's been really bothering me and I should have told you a long time ago."
"Okay."
"Last month I ran into a woman I used to work with, and holy shit, I am really sorry."

Now my heart is pounding because he is seriously upset and I have no idea what he's about to spill. I wanted to pull away but I couldn't make myself move and he wasn't letting go.

"At the mall. And I bought her lunch."
"Lunch."
"Pizza."
"That's it? You ran into an old friend and bought her lunch?"
"No. There's more."
"You have exactly five seconds to spill it."
"She helped me pick out the cover for your iPad. I am really sorry."

Color me confused.

"So you had lunch with someone, and she helped you buy a gift for me?"
"I'm really, really sorry."
"And what's the problem?"
"I ate an entire pizza."
"Well, that's gross but what are you sorry about?"
"I didn't save you any."

No, I didn't hit him, but I kind of wanted to.

"Who'd you have lunch with?"
"Marjorie."
"Marjorie. Ian, she's like eighty years old!"
"Yeah, but she only had one slice. And she said you would hate the cover with the flowers on it and said you'd like the red one better. I'm sorry."
"Well, she was right, I think."
"It was pepperoni."
"Oh my God."
"I'm sorry."

I had to forgive him three or four times before he stopped apologizing, and now he swears he has no memory of this conversation. And neither of us knows what he was really apologizing for, eating an entire pizza or relying on someone else to help him shop.

I'm betting on the pizza because that really is just so gross.