I have experience on my side.
Kids just don't open up if they feel like they're being attacked, nor will they talk if they think they're being pushed too hard or their privacy invaded too deeply, but I had to get Alex to talk to me. He's open about asking questions (and I've been borderline surprised with his frankness in some of the things he's asked me) but is understandably closed mouthed when it comes to discussing personal experience.
I don't blame him for it. I'm not sure I could have discussed it with my father if he had been open to such discussions; he might have been, but I was sure all I would get from him was an admonition to get my mind out of the gutter, keep my hands to myself, and leave that poor girl alone.
Alex today is a different kid than Alex a year ago; he has matured in leaps and bounds, and is no longer angry that we put an end to his so-called relationship with the 16 year old, but that doesn't mean he wants to discuss it. That he doesn't want to discuss it doesn't mean that he shouldn't.
So, Brad and I decided to go shoot a few games of pool this afternoon and to grab a pizza and a couple of beers, and we invited Alex along. Men only, no women, girls, or little boys allowed. He jumped at it; this was different than boys night out, where his little brother tags along. This was just the guys, and it was at a bar. He's been in the bar before (Brad works there) but he's never been allowed to stay.
If I wanted him to talk like an adult, I needed to treat him like one.
Brad knew where I wanted to converation to go; he also knew I didn't want to force it. If we didn't get Alex relaxed and headed in that direction today, it was at least a start; the more he gets used to hanging around with us, and the flow of the conversations we have--and Brad and I do have some conversations that would freak Char out--he more he'll open up.
That was the hope, anyway.
Brad has an interesting love life; he dates (a lot would be an understatement) but tends to keep the women he's with at arms' length. He has no interest in ever getting married and doesn't see a point in anything seriously long term; he also agrees that the kids should be shielded from 99% of his love life, because he doesn't want for them the life he's had. Today, though, he let Alex have a glimpse. He discussed his current girlfriend, someone he thinks might be around for a little while. He alluded to his frustrations in trying to figure her out, trying to decide if the age difference was just too much to get past. How tired he gets being with her.
That was something I could empathize over. No, we didn't get graphic. We didn't discuss the details of our sex lives but we touched on the frustrations of certain aspects of our relationships. Trying to figure out what women really wanted, how to negotiate what we really wanted.
And Alex talked.
It's just as confusing when the women are older than you. You don't know what they really want, and they don't feel like they should have to tell you, because you're just supposed to know. If you try to guess, you get it wrong, and when you try to fix it, you wind up doing things you just don't think you should be doing. Things like going out to The Jungle, risking the judgment of your friends, and the potential for catching all kinds of crap from the older guys.
We let him talk without trying to make a big deal about it. I didn't want to say anything that was going to make him clam up, but at one point he did look right at me and ask how pissed off I was going to be.
There is no getting pissed off during a guy's night out.
Yet, he asked that, and I felt my stomach drop. He was thirteen, for God's sake, and no matter how open I want to be about sex with him, thirteen is far too young for anyone to have sex.
He kept talking. The more he talked, the more relieved I became. The more he talked, the more I realized he was not as angry about being forced to break it off with her as he'd let on. He knew he wasn't ready for where they were headed, and if we'd allowed the relationship to continue, sex is what would have happened. And that terrified him.
My son has done a few things I would prefer he hadn't, but in reality he hasn't done anything I probably hadn't by the time I was his age, the little I could get away with after dating Kathy for six or seven months. He's carried a huge amount of guilt over it, though, and could see no way for repentance without confession, and he was not confessing any of it.
I didn't think he needed to. All he needed was assurance that in the bigger picture, he didn't really do anything wrong.
I'm not sure he believed me, not until Brad polished off the rest of his beer and said, with an air of authority I can't pull off, God gave 'em tits for a reason, and he's not going to blame you for copping a feel.
Alex tried to nod knowingly, started to take a sip of his Coke, but then Brad added And God knows a little dry humping isn't going to make your pecker fall off.
I was not surprised to hear that come out of Brad, but I think Alex was.
As big as that conversation was, it was a fraction of the afternoon; I got what I wanted, Brad knew it, and managed to steer the conversation away from Alex's love life to finishing the renovations on his house. Since we're not going skiing over spring break as planned, they decided the coming week was a good time to tackle the bathroom, so Monday we're ripping everything out of the master bath, and Alex is going to learn how not like HGTV this is going to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment