His first step will be the hardest

My ex-wife's death was Craig's tipping point; within an hour of being told of her death he was at his favorite bar (with our sister no less) drowning every might-have-been he felt. Usually a functional addict, this time he couldn't hold it together and wound up calling in sick, then taking vacation days, before realizing that he really would die if he didn't stop.

He doesn't know what made the light bulb go off, but says he had one clear moment of hearing his own voice in his head, telling him he didn't want to die.

So he tried to go it alone, and thought he had quit enough times that he could do it again and make it stick, and went nearly two weeks without drugs and without taking a drink. He doesn't even really remember buying the bottle of bourbon, he just knew when he was sitting there staring at it that he had to call someone who would care enough to talk him out of opening it.

He didn't think I'd get on the first plane I could, but I had told him a long time ago that when he was serious about it I would be there.

I'm not sure rehab will work, not even as badly as he wants it. There is so little of himself left in him that I don't know what he has left to fight with. I don't know if he's physically strong enough, and I don't know if the damage he's done to his body is something he can overcome. He can't eat without nausea, and his liver has to be shot by now. But, this time I'll be in his corner, because this time I know he means it.

Over two days time I spent more time talking to him that I have in the last ten years, I think. I have a better idea of when and where he derailed and how powerless he was to stop it. I also feel somewhat badly for him; he was a royal douche about it, but he loved Kathy more than I realized, but he had no idea how to approach her maturely, and the guilt he felt over having feelings for her at all pushed him into doing so many stupid things that I pushed him out of my life.

He is responsible for all those stupid things, but at least I better understand it.

I don't know if our relationship is reparable, and all I could tell him was basically, we'll see. He's not going anywhere for a long time, and I will go visit him a few times while he's in rehab, but I can't promise him what he wants, not yet.

I was able to honestly tell him something he wanted to hear. He's a fucking idiot, but I love him anyway, and I won't abandon him.