Slow down, dammit

There's a boy; he's 13, he texts my daughter at least 10 times an hour from the time they get out of school until 9:30, the official Dad is pissed off, so I have to turn my phone off now time. When she's not answering his texts, she's talking about him, and it's been clear for a long time that SETH! is not going anywhere.

In the same way that Kevin utters Elizabeth in italics, she says SETH! in all caps with an exclamation point.

Herein lies the rub: I'm pretty damned adamant that she's not dating (going to movies alone with a boy, etc) until she's 14. I already caved on that with Alex; I'd still be happier if none of the kids dated until they're 16, but I'm also not stupid.

Tonight, after text #13,000, she disappeared into Alex's room, and then into her own; less than a minute later an annoyed Alex wandered out because he “needed” to talk to me on her behalf.

She knows she can't date, and that's fine, but can SETH! come over? You know, to watch TV and play video games and stuff. He's a nice guy and I'll keep an eye on him---

She's not dating, don't even ask. She doesn't need a boyfriend at thirteen, Alex.

He looked at me like I had just jumped headfirst into a vat of stupid, cocked his head and said, She's already got a boyfriend, Dad. Just because they can only see each other at school doesn't mean they don't like each other, and wouldn't you rather have him here than risk him frustrated and taking her out to The Jungle?

The Jungle, I have learned, is a wooded area just off school property behind the gym where horny teenagers go to do what horny teenagers will.

He stumped me.

At her age, had some pretty girl even remotely hinted that I had a chance to take her out to the then-equivalent of The Jungle, I would have gone in a heartbeat, never mind the fact that I would have had no clue what to do.

It'll happen, Dad. He's not some pushy asshole, but if they can't spend time together out of class...

I got it. And you? Have you taken Stephanie out there?

Defiantly, Hell, no!

And the sixteen year old last year?

Jaw set, his face flushed, Can Rachel have Seth over? When I'm here, I'll keep an eye on them.

I didn't push it with him, yet, but I will. I also didn't give him the answer he expected to take to Rachel. If she wants this kid over here, she has to ask me herself.

But...

There are no “buts” in this. If she's old enough to have the boyfriend, she's old enough to ask my permission to have him over. He sighed hard—he understood—but he sighed and stomped off to tell her.

She didn't come out for nearly an hour, and when she did she looked terrified. I sat at my desk with my arms folded, intentionally looking annoyed, and made her come out with the whole thing. She really likes SETH! and he asked her to be his girlfriend and she really wants to, and she knows she's not allowed to actually date but can't he please be allowed to come over and just hang out?

Your friends are always allowed to come over and hang out, Rachel.

Even boys?

You're not allowed to go to his house, but he is welcome here, sweetheart.

Thirteen year old girls can squeal like no other, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't looking forward to the hug and kiss I knew I'd get. So tomorrow SETH! is coming over after lunch to hang out, and I am going to sit wherever the hell Char tells me to in order to avoid embarrassing my daughter, and rely on her older brother and his parentally-approved girlfriend to be the buffer.

And no, I will not refer to him as her boyfriend in front of her, not yet. He's squeaky and he wants to do things to my daughter; he has to earn the title from me.

But next up: pushing Alex a little harder to find out what the hell happened with the 16 year old.