We make a point of trying to not run interference in our kids lives any more than is necessary; we’ve given them the tools to cope with bullies and people with whom they have disagreements and we’ve given them the foundation of socially acceptable behavior and manners. We’ve also given them a healthy respect for the adults in positions of authority over them. If they have doubts about those adults, they know to come to us.

We also understand that there are times when kids will not, for reasons that can only be understood by others who have not yet fully developed cognitive reasoning, go to one of their parents or to an adult they can (or should) trust. We understand the hierarchal system of the teenage caste, and the truth that he who rats out another will become a social pariah.

The dojang has been closed for the last week and a half while we move into the new school space. Without the three or four day a week reminder and ingrained fear, some of our students will devolve into old habits; those who were especially timid prior to beginning training will feel isolated and allow the shyness to creep back up on them, and those who had tendencies towards bullying will find themselves inexplicably picking on old targets.

Most of the time we hear about incidences after the fact; when we’ve been closed for repairs or for much needed time off, students come back whispering about each other, and we overhear. We use those off handed tales as structure for lessons to be taught and learned, and it doesn’t take long for them to snap out of the delusion that they are always completely right or completely wrong, and to get back to the business of learning to control themselves.

That is what this is mostly about, after all.

It should have come as no surprise that one student, who has not been training long, would fall back into old ways quicker than others, and that he would be thoughtless enough to carry that behavior off school grounds. Give a kid a driver’s license and a car, and you give him the world; you also give him the ability to drive over to someone’s house whereupon he can renew his harassment.

Damien is sixteen going on twelve; he’s now completely terrified of Alex but he is also hung up on Alex’s girlfriend and is still smarting over the fact that she would not even considering going out with him. In his stunted brain, if she could not see his overwhelming charm and personal worth, then there must be something wrong with her; if there is something wrong with her then it must be exploited and turned against her. If she is humiliated and cries, all the better.

This kid can’t seem to think beyond the impulse; he has followed her home from school and stood near her front door making masturbatory gestures, he has circulated rumors about what he wishes she had done with and to him as truth, he has lied to her friends about things she did not say about them, and he continued to taunt her with mooing sounds as she walked through the school hallways (but only when Alex wasn’t around.)

Over the last week he has made school for her a miserable and degrading experience; none of the kids involved would go to the principal, and Damien has been careful to instigate these personal attacks when he knows there will be no one to readily spring to her defense.

I don’t believe he has the guts to lay a hand on her; Damien is a bully who does not have the temerity to follow through; his bravado is linguistical and he’s too afraid of the pain of being hit to risk anything more. Still, he’s not smart enough to know when he’s pushed one time too many, and he may not be smart enough to realize he needs to take a step back. He may get physical without intent.

Alex has a considerable amount of self control; he has a healthy respect for the rules. He is also a teenager, and had no intention of sharing the details of what was tanspiring with his parents, or with anyone other adult who could help him. He intended to handle it himself, though how he expected to accomplish that was never quite clear. We only know about it now because Stephanie rode home from church with us this morning, and Damien was crusining up and down her street; when she saw him, she burst into tears. When Alex saw him, he wanted to get out of the car and beat the holy hell out of Damien.

No, I didn't let either of them out of the car; I wanted an explanation. When I finally got one, we turned around and took her home with us. This afternoon I found myself giving Alex permission to bring Damien to his knees if the situation requires defending Stephanie. If he lays one hand, one finger, on that girl anywhere near Alex, I will not fault him for acting on it.

To that end, too, Alex, Rachel, and I spent the afternoon in the old dojang with Stephanie; she needs to learn at least basic self defense. Teaching her where to hit and how, and what stereotypes in defense might best be avoided is the easy part. The difficulty lies in making sure she understands that she is worth defending, making sure she has given herself permission to fight back, and to hurt him if she has to.

Too many people, women especially, have never given themselves the permission to put themselves first, even in defensive situations. It’s one of the sad facts one learns in teaching women; typically women are not willing to do some of the more effective defensive techniques because deep down they don’t want to hurt anyone, not even the person attacking them.

But, that’s another issue and one I grapple with daily.

Stephanie’s father is on board with this. Until the dojang is reopened and I have Damien under my instructional thumb again, she’ll come home with us after school and wait there for her father to get off work. We’ll spend time working on self defense and keeping her and Alex a healthy distance from each other.

What I will not do, what her father cannot understand, is kick Damien out of the dojang. He’s immature, irresponsible, reckless, thoughtless, and a first class bastard, but he is redeemable.

One step out of line, though, and he’s at Alex’s mercy.