At nine this morning it was mostly cool out, and Rachel tried to leave the house (headed to watch Alex's swim team tryouts because SETH! was going to be there) in a skin tight t-shirt, barely there shorts, and sandals. Alex and I were both wearing sweatshirts; she wanted to go out half dressed.
I didn't have to say a word; I shook my head and pointed towards her bedroom and she started to stomp off, flinging God, don't chuck a spaz, Dad! at me as she passed me.
I have no idea what that means, and Alex just shrugged.
I'm, like, totally, like, you know, completely out of touch, I guess.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
He can hate me for it, too bad
One of the things Alex was looking forward to for spring was getting a shot at making the swim team. Without daily TKD he has the time, and he's a decent swimmer, so we signed the permission slip for him to get a sports physical at school.
Stripped down to his underwear, his tattoo was noticed.
His tattoo is a violation of the school's code of conduct, and might keep him from being on the team if he makes it. He can still try out, but the coach is "looking into it" and doesn't seem hopeful that he'll be allowed on the team even if he's good enough.
He hasn't asked, but I know he wants me to go to bat for him, exert some pressure because, as he puts it, it's not an obscene image and it has nothing to do with his ability to swim.
But I won't.
He got the tattoo knowing it was against the rules, school and home, and he can suffer the consequences.
I usually feel bad when one of the kids comes up against something they want help with and I can't give it, but not this time.
Stripped down to his underwear, his tattoo was noticed.
His tattoo is a violation of the school's code of conduct, and might keep him from being on the team if he makes it. He can still try out, but the coach is "looking into it" and doesn't seem hopeful that he'll be allowed on the team even if he's good enough.
He hasn't asked, but I know he wants me to go to bat for him, exert some pressure because, as he puts it, it's not an obscene image and it has nothing to do with his ability to swim.
But I won't.
He got the tattoo knowing it was against the rules, school and home, and he can suffer the consequences.
I usually feel bad when one of the kids comes up against something they want help with and I can't give it, but not this time.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I'm too old for a toddler
Erin is in the last few weeks of her pregnancy, and is feeling it. She's ready to have this baby and if sheer will could start labor, we'd be rushing towards the hospital. Miko would be ticked off because he would miss it, but I think she just wants to be done.
He's on an extended trip for work, getting some last minute things taken care of so that he can take a couple of weeks off when the baby is born, something Erin is happy about, but she's also annoyed that he's not home to help with Toni and Travis, and she's exhausted. Last week she was sick, this weeks she's just tired.
So yesterday and today, after she took Toni to school, she dropped Travis off here so that she could go home and sleep, then do as much of nothing as she wanted to until Toni got home in the afternoon. To give them a little non-infant-enhanced time together, we're keeping Travis until almost bedtime.
I'm having a blast with him, all day without Alex and Rachel and Kevin helping to watch him, but this is tiring. He's a tiny tornado, into everything and trying to walk as fast as he can, falling over every third step (at which he says quite seriously, Oh no!) If he's not trying to speed walk, he's crawling almost faster than I can catch up to him.
He's beginning to talk more, expanding his vocabulary beyond, Mama, Dada, and Oh no. He can point at Tank and say puppy and chases the cats while meowing at them. If you ask him if he's hungry he says, Yes, yes, yes! and if you ask him what he wants to do he'll tell you, TB (TV, which invariably means Sesame Street.)
What he refuses to say, though, is Grandpa. I've been trying, bribing him with cookies, but all that's doing is making him laugh at me, and he gets the damned cookies anyway.
He gives good kisses, though, so I suppose he's forgiven.
He's on an extended trip for work, getting some last minute things taken care of so that he can take a couple of weeks off when the baby is born, something Erin is happy about, but she's also annoyed that he's not home to help with Toni and Travis, and she's exhausted. Last week she was sick, this weeks she's just tired.
So yesterday and today, after she took Toni to school, she dropped Travis off here so that she could go home and sleep, then do as much of nothing as she wanted to until Toni got home in the afternoon. To give them a little non-infant-enhanced time together, we're keeping Travis until almost bedtime.
I'm having a blast with him, all day without Alex and Rachel and Kevin helping to watch him, but this is tiring. He's a tiny tornado, into everything and trying to walk as fast as he can, falling over every third step (at which he says quite seriously, Oh no!) If he's not trying to speed walk, he's crawling almost faster than I can catch up to him.
He's beginning to talk more, expanding his vocabulary beyond, Mama, Dada, and Oh no. He can point at Tank and say puppy and chases the cats while meowing at them. If you ask him if he's hungry he says, Yes, yes, yes! and if you ask him what he wants to do he'll tell you, TB (TV, which invariably means Sesame Street.)
What he refuses to say, though, is Grandpa. I've been trying, bribing him with cookies, but all that's doing is making him laugh at me, and he gets the damned cookies anyway.
He gives good kisses, though, so I suppose he's forgiven.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Building Blocks
For a couple of years, Alex has been certain that when he entered college, it would be as a pre-med student. We weren't sure why, because he never seemed particularly drawn to the sciences and was ambivalent about taking things like biology, although he always did well. We both wondered if he decided on that in junior high because he was told he had the intelligence for it, or if he was encourage to take that path by a teacher; we never wanted to discourage it, whatever his reasons were.
Today he sat at the table with my dad, going over the plans for their renovation of his master bathroom, and he was fascinated. My dad understands how things are built, how to repair just about anything in his house, and can undertake being his own contractor, but he's self taught, and his education was out of necessity. As Alex asked questions, he was able to give his grandson at least basic answers, and remarked at some point that Alex ought to consider engineering or architecture, and Alex's eyes lit up.
I don't think he'd considered it as a possibility until it came out of my dad's mouth. And his excitement over the possibility grew when Ian told him he would be entering college at such a young age that he could take time to explore more than one thing, and we wouldn't bat an eye of he changed majors a time or two.
After everyone left this evening, Ian and I curled up on the bed to watch a little TV, and we wondered why some obvious things had escaped us. Alex has always loved to figure out how things work; if something around here breaks, he takes it apart and tries to figure out why. He spent hours playing with Duplo and then Lego blocks, and later the K'nex sets that Ian bought for him. He grasps the complexity of math, he can take a small motorcycle engine apart and put it back together, and he absolutely loved helping my dad paint, move a wall, and then lay a new floor.
He's done all this school work to assure that he has what he needs to get the classes in college he'll need to move onto medical school but I think his heart has always been in other things.
Who knows if he'll switch gears when it comes right down to it, but I think we're both just very, very glad that my dad opened up to him a possibility we had never considered, which in turn gave us the opportunity to let him know that he's free to explore the world before committing to it.
Today he sat at the table with my dad, going over the plans for their renovation of his master bathroom, and he was fascinated. My dad understands how things are built, how to repair just about anything in his house, and can undertake being his own contractor, but he's self taught, and his education was out of necessity. As Alex asked questions, he was able to give his grandson at least basic answers, and remarked at some point that Alex ought to consider engineering or architecture, and Alex's eyes lit up.
I don't think he'd considered it as a possibility until it came out of my dad's mouth. And his excitement over the possibility grew when Ian told him he would be entering college at such a young age that he could take time to explore more than one thing, and we wouldn't bat an eye of he changed majors a time or two.
After everyone left this evening, Ian and I curled up on the bed to watch a little TV, and we wondered why some obvious things had escaped us. Alex has always loved to figure out how things work; if something around here breaks, he takes it apart and tries to figure out why. He spent hours playing with Duplo and then Lego blocks, and later the K'nex sets that Ian bought for him. He grasps the complexity of math, he can take a small motorcycle engine apart and put it back together, and he absolutely loved helping my dad paint, move a wall, and then lay a new floor.
He's done all this school work to assure that he has what he needs to get the classes in college he'll need to move onto medical school but I think his heart has always been in other things.
Who knows if he'll switch gears when it comes right down to it, but I think we're both just very, very glad that my dad opened up to him a possibility we had never considered, which in turn gave us the opportunity to let him know that he's free to explore the world before committing to it.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
The boy is smart, but...
I have experience on my side.
Kids just don't open up if they feel like they're being attacked, nor will they talk if they think they're being pushed too hard or their privacy invaded too deeply, but I had to get Alex to talk to me. He's open about asking questions (and I've been borderline surprised with his frankness in some of the things he's asked me) but is understandably closed mouthed when it comes to discussing personal experience.
I don't blame him for it. I'm not sure I could have discussed it with my father if he had been open to such discussions; he might have been, but I was sure all I would get from him was an admonition to get my mind out of the gutter, keep my hands to myself, and leave that poor girl alone.
Alex today is a different kid than Alex a year ago; he has matured in leaps and bounds, and is no longer angry that we put an end to his so-called relationship with the 16 year old, but that doesn't mean he wants to discuss it. That he doesn't want to discuss it doesn't mean that he shouldn't.
So, Brad and I decided to go shoot a few games of pool this afternoon and to grab a pizza and a couple of beers, and we invited Alex along. Men only, no women, girls, or little boys allowed. He jumped at it; this was different than boys night out, where his little brother tags along. This was just the guys, and it was at a bar. He's been in the bar before (Brad works there) but he's never been allowed to stay.
If I wanted him to talk like an adult, I needed to treat him like one.
Brad knew where I wanted to converation to go; he also knew I didn't want to force it. If we didn't get Alex relaxed and headed in that direction today, it was at least a start; the more he gets used to hanging around with us, and the flow of the conversations we have--and Brad and I do have some conversations that would freak Char out--he more he'll open up.
That was the hope, anyway.
Brad has an interesting love life; he dates (a lot would be an understatement) but tends to keep the women he's with at arms' length. He has no interest in ever getting married and doesn't see a point in anything seriously long term; he also agrees that the kids should be shielded from 99% of his love life, because he doesn't want for them the life he's had. Today, though, he let Alex have a glimpse. He discussed his current girlfriend, someone he thinks might be around for a little while. He alluded to his frustrations in trying to figure her out, trying to decide if the age difference was just too much to get past. How tired he gets being with her.
That was something I could empathize over. No, we didn't get graphic. We didn't discuss the details of our sex lives but we touched on the frustrations of certain aspects of our relationships. Trying to figure out what women really wanted, how to negotiate what we really wanted.
And Alex talked.
It's just as confusing when the women are older than you. You don't know what they really want, and they don't feel like they should have to tell you, because you're just supposed to know. If you try to guess, you get it wrong, and when you try to fix it, you wind up doing things you just don't think you should be doing. Things like going out to The Jungle, risking the judgment of your friends, and the potential for catching all kinds of crap from the older guys.
We let him talk without trying to make a big deal about it. I didn't want to say anything that was going to make him clam up, but at one point he did look right at me and ask how pissed off I was going to be.
There is no getting pissed off during a guy's night out.
Yet, he asked that, and I felt my stomach drop. He was thirteen, for God's sake, and no matter how open I want to be about sex with him, thirteen is far too young for anyone to have sex.
He kept talking. The more he talked, the more relieved I became. The more he talked, the more I realized he was not as angry about being forced to break it off with her as he'd let on. He knew he wasn't ready for where they were headed, and if we'd allowed the relationship to continue, sex is what would have happened. And that terrified him.
My son has done a few things I would prefer he hadn't, but in reality he hasn't done anything I probably hadn't by the time I was his age, the little I could get away with after dating Kathy for six or seven months. He's carried a huge amount of guilt over it, though, and could see no way for repentance without confession, and he was not confessing any of it.
I didn't think he needed to. All he needed was assurance that in the bigger picture, he didn't really do anything wrong.
I'm not sure he believed me, not until Brad polished off the rest of his beer and said, with an air of authority I can't pull off, God gave 'em tits for a reason, and he's not going to blame you for copping a feel.
Alex tried to nod knowingly, started to take a sip of his Coke, but then Brad added And God knows a little dry humping isn't going to make your pecker fall off.
I was not surprised to hear that come out of Brad, but I think Alex was.
As big as that conversation was, it was a fraction of the afternoon; I got what I wanted, Brad knew it, and managed to steer the conversation away from Alex's love life to finishing the renovations on his house. Since we're not going skiing over spring break as planned, they decided the coming week was a good time to tackle the bathroom, so Monday we're ripping everything out of the master bath, and Alex is going to learn how not like HGTV this is going to be.
Kids just don't open up if they feel like they're being attacked, nor will they talk if they think they're being pushed too hard or their privacy invaded too deeply, but I had to get Alex to talk to me. He's open about asking questions (and I've been borderline surprised with his frankness in some of the things he's asked me) but is understandably closed mouthed when it comes to discussing personal experience.
I don't blame him for it. I'm not sure I could have discussed it with my father if he had been open to such discussions; he might have been, but I was sure all I would get from him was an admonition to get my mind out of the gutter, keep my hands to myself, and leave that poor girl alone.
Alex today is a different kid than Alex a year ago; he has matured in leaps and bounds, and is no longer angry that we put an end to his so-called relationship with the 16 year old, but that doesn't mean he wants to discuss it. That he doesn't want to discuss it doesn't mean that he shouldn't.
So, Brad and I decided to go shoot a few games of pool this afternoon and to grab a pizza and a couple of beers, and we invited Alex along. Men only, no women, girls, or little boys allowed. He jumped at it; this was different than boys night out, where his little brother tags along. This was just the guys, and it was at a bar. He's been in the bar before (Brad works there) but he's never been allowed to stay.
If I wanted him to talk like an adult, I needed to treat him like one.
Brad knew where I wanted to converation to go; he also knew I didn't want to force it. If we didn't get Alex relaxed and headed in that direction today, it was at least a start; the more he gets used to hanging around with us, and the flow of the conversations we have--and Brad and I do have some conversations that would freak Char out--he more he'll open up.
That was the hope, anyway.
Brad has an interesting love life; he dates (a lot would be an understatement) but tends to keep the women he's with at arms' length. He has no interest in ever getting married and doesn't see a point in anything seriously long term; he also agrees that the kids should be shielded from 99% of his love life, because he doesn't want for them the life he's had. Today, though, he let Alex have a glimpse. He discussed his current girlfriend, someone he thinks might be around for a little while. He alluded to his frustrations in trying to figure her out, trying to decide if the age difference was just too much to get past. How tired he gets being with her.
That was something I could empathize over. No, we didn't get graphic. We didn't discuss the details of our sex lives but we touched on the frustrations of certain aspects of our relationships. Trying to figure out what women really wanted, how to negotiate what we really wanted.
And Alex talked.
It's just as confusing when the women are older than you. You don't know what they really want, and they don't feel like they should have to tell you, because you're just supposed to know. If you try to guess, you get it wrong, and when you try to fix it, you wind up doing things you just don't think you should be doing. Things like going out to The Jungle, risking the judgment of your friends, and the potential for catching all kinds of crap from the older guys.
We let him talk without trying to make a big deal about it. I didn't want to say anything that was going to make him clam up, but at one point he did look right at me and ask how pissed off I was going to be.
There is no getting pissed off during a guy's night out.
Yet, he asked that, and I felt my stomach drop. He was thirteen, for God's sake, and no matter how open I want to be about sex with him, thirteen is far too young for anyone to have sex.
He kept talking. The more he talked, the more relieved I became. The more he talked, the more I realized he was not as angry about being forced to break it off with her as he'd let on. He knew he wasn't ready for where they were headed, and if we'd allowed the relationship to continue, sex is what would have happened. And that terrified him.
My son has done a few things I would prefer he hadn't, but in reality he hasn't done anything I probably hadn't by the time I was his age, the little I could get away with after dating Kathy for six or seven months. He's carried a huge amount of guilt over it, though, and could see no way for repentance without confession, and he was not confessing any of it.
I didn't think he needed to. All he needed was assurance that in the bigger picture, he didn't really do anything wrong.
I'm not sure he believed me, not until Brad polished off the rest of his beer and said, with an air of authority I can't pull off, God gave 'em tits for a reason, and he's not going to blame you for copping a feel.
Alex tried to nod knowingly, started to take a sip of his Coke, but then Brad added And God knows a little dry humping isn't going to make your pecker fall off.
I was not surprised to hear that come out of Brad, but I think Alex was.
As big as that conversation was, it was a fraction of the afternoon; I got what I wanted, Brad knew it, and managed to steer the conversation away from Alex's love life to finishing the renovations on his house. Since we're not going skiing over spring break as planned, they decided the coming week was a good time to tackle the bathroom, so Monday we're ripping everything out of the master bath, and Alex is going to learn how not like HGTV this is going to be.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Even though I hate ironing...
While the kids were cleaning up after breakfast this morning, I told Ian to get me the suit pants and shirt he wanted to wear to church tomorrow, and I would iron it (this falls under laundry, so no, I won't let him anywhere near the iron, because I've seen what he does with it.) Before he could get up from the table Alex leaned across the kitchen island and asked if I would iron a dress shirt for him as well.
Ian wanted to know where he was going that he needed a freshly ironed dress shirt.
"Tomorrow is Easter," he replied, barely restraining himself from adding "Duh!" to that.
We thought he was done with church.
"I'm done with Catholicism. I'm not done with God. I'll go to church with you tomorrow and for stuff like Christmas."
I told him to go get the shirt, and as he walked past I hear Ian mutter, "I'll be damned" as he got up.
I'm not sure if Alex is going for himself of for his father, but I'm betting on the latter, and judging from how choked up Ian was, I think he does, too.
Ian wanted to know where he was going that he needed a freshly ironed dress shirt.
"Tomorrow is Easter," he replied, barely restraining himself from adding "Duh!" to that.
We thought he was done with church.
"I'm done with Catholicism. I'm not done with God. I'll go to church with you tomorrow and for stuff like Christmas."
I told him to go get the shirt, and as he walked past I hear Ian mutter, "I'll be damned" as he got up.
I'm not sure if Alex is going for himself of for his father, but I'm betting on the latter, and judging from how choked up Ian was, I think he does, too.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Slow down, dammit
There's a boy; he's 13, he texts my daughter at least 10 times an hour from the time they get out of school until 9:30, the official Dad is pissed off, so I have to turn my phone off now time. When she's not answering his texts, she's talking about him, and it's been clear for a long time that SETH! is not going anywhere.
In the same way that Kevin utters Elizabeth in italics, she says SETH! in all caps with an exclamation point.
Herein lies the rub: I'm pretty damned adamant that she's not dating (going to movies alone with a boy, etc) until she's 14. I already caved on that with Alex; I'd still be happier if none of the kids dated until they're 16, but I'm also not stupid.
Tonight, after text #13,000, she disappeared into Alex's room, and then into her own; less than a minute later an annoyed Alex wandered out because he “needed” to talk to me on her behalf.
She knows she can't date, and that's fine, but can SETH! come over? You know, to watch TV and play video games and stuff. He's a nice guy and I'll keep an eye on him---
She's not dating, don't even ask. She doesn't need a boyfriend at thirteen, Alex.
He looked at me like I had just jumped headfirst into a vat of stupid, cocked his head and said, She's already got a boyfriend, Dad. Just because they can only see each other at school doesn't mean they don't like each other, and wouldn't you rather have him here than risk him frustrated and taking her out to The Jungle?
The Jungle, I have learned, is a wooded area just off school property behind the gym where horny teenagers go to do what horny teenagers will.
He stumped me.
At her age, had some pretty girl even remotely hinted that I had a chance to take her out to the then-equivalent of The Jungle, I would have gone in a heartbeat, never mind the fact that I would have had no clue what to do.
It'll happen, Dad. He's not some pushy asshole, but if they can't spend time together out of class...
I got it. And you? Have you taken Stephanie out there?
Defiantly, Hell, no!
And the sixteen year old last year?
Jaw set, his face flushed, Can Rachel have Seth over? When I'm here, I'll keep an eye on them.
I didn't push it with him, yet, but I will. I also didn't give him the answer he expected to take to Rachel. If she wants this kid over here, she has to ask me herself.
But...
There are no “buts” in this. If she's old enough to have the boyfriend, she's old enough to ask my permission to have him over. He sighed hard—he understood—but he sighed and stomped off to tell her.
She didn't come out for nearly an hour, and when she did she looked terrified. I sat at my desk with my arms folded, intentionally looking annoyed, and made her come out with the whole thing. She really likes SETH! and he asked her to be his girlfriend and she really wants to, and she knows she's not allowed to actually date but can't he please be allowed to come over and just hang out?
Your friends are always allowed to come over and hang out, Rachel.
Even boys?
You're not allowed to go to his house, but he is welcome here, sweetheart.
Thirteen year old girls can squeal like no other, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't looking forward to the hug and kiss I knew I'd get. So tomorrow SETH! is coming over after lunch to hang out, and I am going to sit wherever the hell Char tells me to in order to avoid embarrassing my daughter, and rely on her older brother and his parentally-approved girlfriend to be the buffer.
And no, I will not refer to him as her boyfriend in front of her, not yet. He's squeaky and he wants to do things to my daughter; he has to earn the title from me.
But next up: pushing Alex a little harder to find out what the hell happened with the 16 year old.
In the same way that Kevin utters Elizabeth in italics, she says SETH! in all caps with an exclamation point.
Herein lies the rub: I'm pretty damned adamant that she's not dating (going to movies alone with a boy, etc) until she's 14. I already caved on that with Alex; I'd still be happier if none of the kids dated until they're 16, but I'm also not stupid.
Tonight, after text #13,000, she disappeared into Alex's room, and then into her own; less than a minute later an annoyed Alex wandered out because he “needed” to talk to me on her behalf.
She knows she can't date, and that's fine, but can SETH! come over? You know, to watch TV and play video games and stuff. He's a nice guy and I'll keep an eye on him---
She's not dating, don't even ask. She doesn't need a boyfriend at thirteen, Alex.
He looked at me like I had just jumped headfirst into a vat of stupid, cocked his head and said, She's already got a boyfriend, Dad. Just because they can only see each other at school doesn't mean they don't like each other, and wouldn't you rather have him here than risk him frustrated and taking her out to The Jungle?
The Jungle, I have learned, is a wooded area just off school property behind the gym where horny teenagers go to do what horny teenagers will.
He stumped me.
At her age, had some pretty girl even remotely hinted that I had a chance to take her out to the then-equivalent of The Jungle, I would have gone in a heartbeat, never mind the fact that I would have had no clue what to do.
It'll happen, Dad. He's not some pushy asshole, but if they can't spend time together out of class...
I got it. And you? Have you taken Stephanie out there?
Defiantly, Hell, no!
And the sixteen year old last year?
Jaw set, his face flushed, Can Rachel have Seth over? When I'm here, I'll keep an eye on them.
I didn't push it with him, yet, but I will. I also didn't give him the answer he expected to take to Rachel. If she wants this kid over here, she has to ask me herself.
But...
There are no “buts” in this. If she's old enough to have the boyfriend, she's old enough to ask my permission to have him over. He sighed hard—he understood—but he sighed and stomped off to tell her.
She didn't come out for nearly an hour, and when she did she looked terrified. I sat at my desk with my arms folded, intentionally looking annoyed, and made her come out with the whole thing. She really likes SETH! and he asked her to be his girlfriend and she really wants to, and she knows she's not allowed to actually date but can't he please be allowed to come over and just hang out?
Your friends are always allowed to come over and hang out, Rachel.
Even boys?
You're not allowed to go to his house, but he is welcome here, sweetheart.
Thirteen year old girls can squeal like no other, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't looking forward to the hug and kiss I knew I'd get. So tomorrow SETH! is coming over after lunch to hang out, and I am going to sit wherever the hell Char tells me to in order to avoid embarrassing my daughter, and rely on her older brother and his parentally-approved girlfriend to be the buffer.
And no, I will not refer to him as her boyfriend in front of her, not yet. He's squeaky and he wants to do things to my daughter; he has to earn the title from me.
But next up: pushing Alex a little harder to find out what the hell happened with the 16 year old.
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