Uncomfortably Numb, Mostly

Ian's ex-wife had a stroke yesterday; her husband, Tanner, found her on kitchen floor yesterday afternoon, but he had no idea how long she had been there. Hours, he thinks, but he wasn't sure. Now she's in intensive care without having regained consciousness, and it sounds like she's only got about a 25% chance of recovery.

Ian doesn't know quite what he should be feeling; they never got to where they were friends again, but they also never got to that place where they hated each other. They've been supportive of each other, and genuinely happy for one another when life turned out a little better that they hoped when they split up.

The truth is, he spent 18 years with her, from the time they were young teenagers trying to get to know each other, Alex's age, until they split when he was 32. He spent more years loving her than he did being upset or angry with her, and if he wasn't terrified of what might happen to her, I'd be concerned.

In the last few months, Kathy and I have formed, if not a friendship, then a strong aquaintence. I used to tell Ian that I appreciated his relationship with her because she was obviously a large part in shaping who he was when I fell in love with him. I think she's part of why he's the man he is, why he didn't fall into the same traps that his brother and sister did. She helped him grow up, and grow into himself. I do like her, and feel more than a little afraid of what's happening to her.

But Ian knows what Tanner is going through right now. He knows the fear and the anguish, and the sure bargaining with God that Tanner is doing right now. He can sympathize, and he empathizes. But he's very much afraid of how it will feel if Kathy dies, and he understands that it's a real possibility.

How do you grieve for someone you're not "supposed" to love anymore?

He's going to analyze himself up one wall and down another, working ovetime to give himself the permission I don't think he needs to really grieve for her.

For now, we wait, and hope that the next time he talks to Tanner the news will be better.

FYI

Calling and asking if I was serious about refusing to post bail if you get your ass arrested is not funny.

Two more days

Four in the freaking morning, still awake. This is borderline pathetic; I'm 48, I should be able to sleep alone for four nights (and to be honest, no, she doesn't snore, but it helps to blame it on someone else.) It's not as if I haven't spoken to her; I've talked to her every night just to touch base and let her know the kids haven't done me in yet, but she needs to get home, because they just might. I didn't mind the bowling, because that's something I do fairly well and enjoy, and I didn't mind taking them to a movie because with Alex there, I can get up a couple times and head to the lobby. I didn't mind the couple of hours we spent in the bookstore, or that we've gone out for dinner every night and my arteries are screaming at me. But the wandering the mall and the ice skating nearly killed me, first out of boredom and then out of repeated falling on my ass, once banging my head on the ice.

They've had fun, though, and I've enjoyed having the time alone with them. Those kids laugh together like crazy, and just watching them be together is enough.

But, I'm ready for Char to come home. I miss her, and I really need to sleep.

Will work for Zzzzs

Monday night I slept like crap; I assumed it was because I really did not want to meet with the accountant on Tuesday.

Last night, I slept like crap; I tossed and turned and decided it was because I didn't want to sit here all morning waiting on a phone call.

But in reality, I suspect it's because Char isn't here. It's just hard to sleep without the usual sounds of staccato snoring in the background.

Employment. I haz it.

It might be temporary, but it will allow me to work at home, what Char wanted, and do some first-reader and editing work, what I wanted.

Going to go pick the kids up, and they want to go ice skating. This does not bode well for me.

I restrained myself

There was homework to be done before the kids and I could go anywhere this afternoon, and Stephanie was over for a while so that Alex could help her wade through some science homework that she wasn't quite grasping. All the kids were at the table, and the house was quiet except for the shuffling of papers and the noise I was making in the kitchen (hey, I can slice and bake cookies like a damned PRO, you know.)

Alex's cell phone started to beep with incoming messages, but he ignored it until the 5th or 6th one when he tossed his pencil down and reached for it. He read them, frowned, and then looked up at Stephanie and asked, Did you break up with me and not tell me?

I was thinking that would be pretty damned cold, letting him get a bunch of text messages about it while getting him to help with homework, but she was as stumped as he was. Someone started a rumor, and in the typical high school way, the rumor was getting back to him in volume. I presumed it was friends commiserating; no, it was a bunch of girls offering to “comfort” him through the heartbreak.

Through the rest of the evening his phone has been buzzing with text messages from hopeful 14-16 year old girls.

I admire his outward demonstration of offense at all the messages he's getting, but deep down I kind of want to high five the kid.

I think the IRS will want me to bend over

I fucking hate taxes. Also, accountants with a we go through this every year attitude. It's not my fault I don't have all my 1099s yet.

Uncomplicated taxes would be nice.

Flat tax would be nicer.

No more waiting at the gate, dammit

Over the years Char has dropped me off at the airport at least a hundred times; I'd never considered it from her point of view before. I just always grabbed my bags, kissed her goodbye, and went in. It's much more awkward on the dropping-off side; I didn't want to just pull up, kick her out of the car, and leave, so I parked and waited with her and Nika while they checked their bags, but that was it. That's as far as I could go and when they were ready to go through security, I had to leave.

Now I'm just waiting until it's time to go pick the kids up from school. I got online looking for someone to play with, but everyone is either working or they've also taken off for a few days. Yeah, cue me being pouty. I have a shitload of stuff to do tomorrow and Wednesday, but am bored out of my mind right now.

After school I'm taking the kids bowling and then out to dinner, and whatever else they feel like doing. I have a nasty feeling that at some point this week what they'll feel like doing will involve me being dragged around the mall, mostly because they know I hate being dragged around the mall.