Six months between posts; nope, we'll never win an award. But those six months have been packed with traveling, seeing more of everything there is to see than the kids bargained for. They're tired now and are ready to get back to a real life. And frankly, we are not the greatest home teachers, so getting them into school will be a good thing for everyone.
Some of what we've done has been building a house in the place we'd like to retire to; rather my cousins have been building, we've just been saying yes or no and writing the checks. By the time Alex is done with this school year the house will be ready and we'll finish moving. There's not a lot to move; we're leaving this house behind with furnishings and will rent it out, so mostly what's being boxed up are personal items.
No one is looking forward to moving with 4 cats and a dog again, but at least this time it won't be across an ocean. Nope, we're not going back to the U.S., but I am going home.
I thought Char's dad would be heading back to the U.S., but he's enjoying the life he's discovered and is moving with us. Alex will come for the summer and then head back to school. He's done well studying in residence and never seemed to need us when we were gone; he has Erin and Mikko and we'll be a not too far flight away.
Leaving them behind is what will be the most difficult; I'm used to seeing them and the grandkids on a whim, and that's going away.
Kevin and Rachel, though, they need to be in school with other kids. Rachel wants to drive and hasn't had the chance to even start, since we've been on the road so much, and Kevin misses dance classes. By moving, the kids will have ready made friends with my family while they get used to the area and meet other people, and one of my cousins has already found a terrific dance academy for Kevin. It's a place to start, anyway.
I'm not sure how often we'll be able to get back to this blog, at least not until we're settled, but we're still out here and alive, and everyone is well.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
F-Bomb Awesome
When I went home this summer to take care of the odds and ends of a house burnt down, I also learned of the horrible news that one of my closest friends, Dack, had just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and that he had, at best—six months to live. He was as upbeat as he could be, having decided that he didn’t want to spend any part of those months in treatment, trying to survive something he most likely would not. He stated quite factually that he was sixty years old and had packed more into those years than most; his only regret was in not meeting and marrying Theresa years earlier. Leaving her behind was what mattered. He didn’t want to, but also refused to burden her with caring for him longer than necessary. Quality mattered more than quantity.
This, I understood.
I swore to him I would come back before it was too late; I wanted to spend some quality time with the man who has been every bit as much a brother to me as has my own. We met when I was 22, and over the years he has been my mentor, my protector, my friend, and my brother. I knew that trip would be hard, because saying goodbye is something I hate to do, but I was set to leave in a little over a week.
The phone rang in the middle of the night last night, and Char was the one to grab it. She managed to whisper It’s Theresa before she started crying, and I took the phone from her, not wanting to, not wanting at all to hear that Dack had been cheated out of four of the months he thought he had. And that I hadn’t gotten back in time.
They were wrong, they made a mistake, there’s nothing wrong with him except a really bad gall bladder and an intestinal stricture. He’s fine, he’ll be fine, he’s not going to die, not this year.
Dack avoided his doctor after his diagnoses, because he just didn’t want to be talked into doing anything. But yesterday he was in enough pain for Theresa to take him to the ER, where a doctor other than his own took the time to look for other causes of pain. He had an ultrasound, CT, blood work, everything they could throw at him, and there was no sign of cancer. No sign of anything, other than a gall bladder filled with stones, and a stricture in his colon that probably added to his general everyday pain.
He had his gall bladder removed and should be home today.
I told Theresa I was still coming back, because I need to celebrate this complete turn in Dack’s life; she told me to stay put, because he wants to come to us instead. He wants to see the kids, the dog and the cats, and he wants to show Theresa some of the places he’s been before and loved.
Hopefully, that will happen in November. And no bones about it, I will cry like a little girl when I see him.
This, I understood.
I swore to him I would come back before it was too late; I wanted to spend some quality time with the man who has been every bit as much a brother to me as has my own. We met when I was 22, and over the years he has been my mentor, my protector, my friend, and my brother. I knew that trip would be hard, because saying goodbye is something I hate to do, but I was set to leave in a little over a week.
The phone rang in the middle of the night last night, and Char was the one to grab it. She managed to whisper It’s Theresa before she started crying, and I took the phone from her, not wanting to, not wanting at all to hear that Dack had been cheated out of four of the months he thought he had. And that I hadn’t gotten back in time.
They were wrong, they made a mistake, there’s nothing wrong with him except a really bad gall bladder and an intestinal stricture. He’s fine, he’ll be fine, he’s not going to die, not this year.
Dack avoided his doctor after his diagnoses, because he just didn’t want to be talked into doing anything. But yesterday he was in enough pain for Theresa to take him to the ER, where a doctor other than his own took the time to look for other causes of pain. He had an ultrasound, CT, blood work, everything they could throw at him, and there was no sign of cancer. No sign of anything, other than a gall bladder filled with stones, and a stricture in his colon that probably added to his general everyday pain.
He had his gall bladder removed and should be home today.
I told Theresa I was still coming back, because I need to celebrate this complete turn in Dack’s life; she told me to stay put, because he wants to come to us instead. He wants to see the kids, the dog and the cats, and he wants to show Theresa some of the places he’s been before and loved.
Hopefully, that will happen in November. And no bones about it, I will cry like a little girl when I see him.
Friday, August 31, 2012
The last five months.
We moved. Packed up most of what we owned and put it in storage, sold off vehicles and toys long outgrown, shipped off things that would not fit in suitcases, said “See you later” to friends, turned the keys to the house over to my brother, and left.
We spent the summer getting to know the area, getting the kids adjusted to a house much smaller than they have been used to, and helping them ease through the missing of their closest friends. Kevin and Rachel are thriving here so far, although he misses Elizabeth something fiercely, and she is having texting withdrawal. Alex has been unusually quiet, filled with an expected mixture of excitement and trepidation, torn between wanting to go home and wanting school to finally start.
We spent the summer getting to know the area, getting the kids adjusted to a house much smaller than they have been used to, and helping them ease through the missing of their closest friends. Kevin and Rachel are thriving here so far, although he misses Elizabeth something fiercely, and she is having texting withdrawal. Alex has been unusually quiet, filled with an expected mixture of excitement and trepidation, torn between wanting to go home and wanting school to finally start.
We were prepared for this move to be the absolutely wrong move for at least two of the kids, and had agreed that if, by the end of summer, they were miserable, we would pack up and go home. But somewhere along the line parts of the US erupted in wildfires, and Craig called to let us know that while everyone was all right, our house was not.
I flew back for two weeks to address the damage, which was extensive. The house was not 100% destroyed, but enough that the only recourse was to have it razed to the foundation. We’ve made no decisions on rebuilding, because there’s no hurry to. But it removed the option of just going home; the kids are happy here, so it was less an issue as it could have been.
Craig and Frankie are fine; our affected neighbors are fine other than the loss of their homes. Alex’s main concern was Stephanie; her home was not fine, but she and her father have been able to relocate. Dack and Theresa, TK and Becky, they were all out of the path of the destruction. I’d like to say they are all fine, but Dack is not as well as he was when we first left, and I fear I will be flying back soon to be sure that I am able to spend some quality time with him before saying goodbye.
(I know he will read this; he knows his reality. He will snort that I don’t need to come back, but Dack is a brother of my heart, and I will. He may not need me to; I need me to.)
Earlier this week I drove Alex to school, where he will reside in the dorms; he threw up three times on the way there and expressed some doubt about the wisdom of his grand plan to achieve independence, and I resisted to impulse to tell him he wasn’t obligated to get out of the car and take those first steps. He’s only sixteen; granted, he turns seventeen in just a few days, but for right now he’s my sixteen year old son and I am not at all thrilled that he’s already halfway gone.
He has been generous in consideration to his mother and has called her every day, but has already gently warned her than once classes begin he probably won’t be able to. He has also promised that she would see him on weekends, and that Miko would see him every day and report to her if something seems wrong.
Still, he’s begun the process of pulling away. It’s the right thing, but that doesn’t make it sting any less.
Our intention is still to travel with Rachel and Kevin, but we’re not going anywhere until Alex is well settled into school, and then we’ll play it by ear. They’re making friends here and we’d like to see them dig in a bit before taking off. Brad is also a factor; while we travel he plans on staying in the house and taking care of the cats (four of them now) and the dog, but for the next few weeks he’s in South Africa with Nika and Peter.
I think they will be our first stop when we do decide to go somewhere.
All in all, it’s going well. And no, I’m still not telling you where we are. I will tell you that it’s pushing 1 a.m. here as I finish this up. That should narrow it down for you.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Don't Wrap Him in Cotton; He'll Look Like a Tampon
How can you possibly justify sending your son off to school, and then basically tag along? What good comes of uprooting the rest of the family just to be nearby one child “just in case?” He'll have his cousin right there, so why not just let him go?
This has been the undercurrent of many conversations of late, it's not verbatim quotations, merely paraphrasing. Friends are genuinely surprised that we would be willing to just pull up stakes and move to another country with what appears to be little extended consideration. I understand that. My answer, for the most part, has been it worked for my parents, so why shouldn't I give it a try?
My parents didn't leave Ireland on a whim, but it certainly appeared so from the vantage point of outsiders. They'd first discussed it after the death of one of my sisters; in the grip of crushing grief, they wanted out, they both itched to remove themselves from a house echoing in loss, and began to save money in order to do that. They spent years dreaming about where they would go; by the time I was two years old they felt as if they could afford to move, and they picked the place they thought would give their kids the greatest shot at a better life.
Their friends were somewhat surprised; life elsewhere had been mentioned in off-handed ways, but never as a certainty. But from the moment they understood that they needed to experience life elsewhere, someplace they could begin to heal, they knew they were leaving. Their plans began with an inward need, but the decision to specifically live and work in the U.S. was deliberately in favor of what was best for their kids. I am Irish by birth, but American by my parents' choice, and for that I am grateful.
It's because they made that choice that I am able to even entertain the idea of packing up my family and moving them thousands of miles away; it is by their example that I see the benefits my children will reap by taking this step.
For Char and I, this isn't much different from what my parents did. When the kids were all still very young we began discussing the possibility that someday we would live at least part-time in Ireland. Our intention was retirement and travel, while knowing our kids were grown, educated, and doing well on their own. We didn't foresee that Alex would have the opportunities that have come his way, and that they have has opened our eyes to other possibilities.
This truly is not overprotective parents following their child in order to protect him from the world, although I certainly see how it might look that way. If not for Rachel's and Kevin's keen and expressed interest in seeing more of the world they live in, as hard as it would be Char and I would not stand in Alex's way. If not for the idea that we can give all our kids something more than bits and pieces of vacations crammed into not enough time for them to see everything we would like and everything they're interested in, we would have encouraged Alex to go, and we would have accepted that he was on his own in nearly every sense of the word.
For all intents and purposes, he'll still be on his own; he'll be studying in residence, and we won't be so close that he can leave school on a whim. He will have Erin and Miko close by, but by intent Char and I are not going to live that close by. And much of the time we won't be there.
Our retirement plans included a heavy amount of travel; looking at it now, though, it seems to be a better idea to take Kevin and Rachel along, expand their education to a classroom that goes far beyond four walls with occasional breaks for lunch an P.E. We're buying a house within 45 minutes of the school Alex will attend, but our plans have us on the road a good part of the time, allowing his brother and sister the chance to explore and to learn far more about the world that exists outside of U.S. media and their ancient textbooks.
Once the next school year rolls around, we're going to try homeschooling; they're excited about it, and we've promised them one year. If it goes well, we'll continue. If not, we'll make a decision about where to land and enroll them in school. Either back in the U.S. or in schools near where we're moving to (no, sorry, we are not saying. You'd be disappointed if we did, anyway.) If we continue beyond the year and they finish their education this way, then Char and I will decide what to do with ourselves; stay put, follow the original plan and build a house in Ireland, or come back and kick Craig out of our house.
With Erin and Miko leaving and Nika and Peter heading back to his home, it just feels like time for us to go. Over the last few years we've divested ourselves of responsibility of the dojang and I am far enough removed from my job to be certain I'll never go back to it, so the only things holding us here are a few friends and the house. The house is taken care of and the friends we can maintain contact with. Selling the cars and motorcycles will be a pain in the ass, but that's still minor.
Really, the most difficult aspect of this will be moving the dog and the cats; I refuse to take them as cargo, so we'll have to see how this plays out. We may be taking four separate flights, if that's what it takes.
This has been the undercurrent of many conversations of late, it's not verbatim quotations, merely paraphrasing. Friends are genuinely surprised that we would be willing to just pull up stakes and move to another country with what appears to be little extended consideration. I understand that. My answer, for the most part, has been it worked for my parents, so why shouldn't I give it a try?
My parents didn't leave Ireland on a whim, but it certainly appeared so from the vantage point of outsiders. They'd first discussed it after the death of one of my sisters; in the grip of crushing grief, they wanted out, they both itched to remove themselves from a house echoing in loss, and began to save money in order to do that. They spent years dreaming about where they would go; by the time I was two years old they felt as if they could afford to move, and they picked the place they thought would give their kids the greatest shot at a better life.
Their friends were somewhat surprised; life elsewhere had been mentioned in off-handed ways, but never as a certainty. But from the moment they understood that they needed to experience life elsewhere, someplace they could begin to heal, they knew they were leaving. Their plans began with an inward need, but the decision to specifically live and work in the U.S. was deliberately in favor of what was best for their kids. I am Irish by birth, but American by my parents' choice, and for that I am grateful.
It's because they made that choice that I am able to even entertain the idea of packing up my family and moving them thousands of miles away; it is by their example that I see the benefits my children will reap by taking this step.
For Char and I, this isn't much different from what my parents did. When the kids were all still very young we began discussing the possibility that someday we would live at least part-time in Ireland. Our intention was retirement and travel, while knowing our kids were grown, educated, and doing well on their own. We didn't foresee that Alex would have the opportunities that have come his way, and that they have has opened our eyes to other possibilities.
This truly is not overprotective parents following their child in order to protect him from the world, although I certainly see how it might look that way. If not for Rachel's and Kevin's keen and expressed interest in seeing more of the world they live in, as hard as it would be Char and I would not stand in Alex's way. If not for the idea that we can give all our kids something more than bits and pieces of vacations crammed into not enough time for them to see everything we would like and everything they're interested in, we would have encouraged Alex to go, and we would have accepted that he was on his own in nearly every sense of the word.
For all intents and purposes, he'll still be on his own; he'll be studying in residence, and we won't be so close that he can leave school on a whim. He will have Erin and Miko close by, but by intent Char and I are not going to live that close by. And much of the time we won't be there.
Our retirement plans included a heavy amount of travel; looking at it now, though, it seems to be a better idea to take Kevin and Rachel along, expand their education to a classroom that goes far beyond four walls with occasional breaks for lunch an P.E. We're buying a house within 45 minutes of the school Alex will attend, but our plans have us on the road a good part of the time, allowing his brother and sister the chance to explore and to learn far more about the world that exists outside of U.S. media and their ancient textbooks.
Once the next school year rolls around, we're going to try homeschooling; they're excited about it, and we've promised them one year. If it goes well, we'll continue. If not, we'll make a decision about where to land and enroll them in school. Either back in the U.S. or in schools near where we're moving to (no, sorry, we are not saying. You'd be disappointed if we did, anyway.) If we continue beyond the year and they finish their education this way, then Char and I will decide what to do with ourselves; stay put, follow the original plan and build a house in Ireland, or come back and kick Craig out of our house.
With Erin and Miko leaving and Nika and Peter heading back to his home, it just feels like time for us to go. Over the last few years we've divested ourselves of responsibility of the dojang and I am far enough removed from my job to be certain I'll never go back to it, so the only things holding us here are a few friends and the house. The house is taken care of and the friends we can maintain contact with. Selling the cars and motorcycles will be a pain in the ass, but that's still minor.
Really, the most difficult aspect of this will be moving the dog and the cats; I refuse to take them as cargo, so we'll have to see how this plays out. We may be taking four separate flights, if that's what it takes.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Bizzy, Yo
Busy is an understatement. The last 2 months have been packed, much of it with Char's surgery and recovery, a lot of it with Alex's educational issues.
Right off the bat, Char had hip replacement surgery on February 1st and it went well; she didn't spend a lot of time in the hospital, was up and moving around with a walker in a little over a week, started rehab, killed rehab, and is now getting around just fine on her own. She still aches and still requires PT, but everything went far better than we had hoped and were led to believe it would go.
In the middle of all this Alex has been sweating about which colleges he'd applied to would send acceptance letters and which would send regrets; he fielded numerous calls about his interests and Brad accompanied him on several trips for interviews. He has been genuinely torn, because he has available to him several tremendous opportunities, and he has been conflicted about the direction he wants to go.
Everything came down to two important things: the chance to study abroad, and not wanting to leave everyone behind. He'd been genuinely excited about the prospect of living overseas and having his family close by. Rachel and Kevin had also become very excited. Hell, so had Char and I. We pushed the idea aside when it was clear that she had to have surgery soon, and when her doctor thought she would require months of recovery.
She's doing far better than expected. By the time the school year rolls over, she's likely to be at full recovery.
So, we're likely moving. Every member of this family wants to go, even if only for a year or two. Alex, Miko, and I are heading off to look for places to live while Brad stays here to help Char out, and while we're there Alex will decide between two universities that have offered him a place there.
All the pieces are falling so neatly into place that it makes no sense to not take this opportunity. The biggest worries Char and I had, leaving an empty house and leaving my brother behind, were solved easily enough with Craig's offer to move in for the duration. Frankie will be moving in with him and is possibly more determined than I to make sure he stays clean and sober.
It's not 100%; that will depend on what I find when Miko and I are looking for homes. But I've seen enough of the city to know that we'll find something good, even if temporary.
The kids are excited; I don't think they've truly considered what it will be like to leave their friends behind, but for now they're thrilled.
And oddly enough, I feel relief.
Right off the bat, Char had hip replacement surgery on February 1st and it went well; she didn't spend a lot of time in the hospital, was up and moving around with a walker in a little over a week, started rehab, killed rehab, and is now getting around just fine on her own. She still aches and still requires PT, but everything went far better than we had hoped and were led to believe it would go.
In the middle of all this Alex has been sweating about which colleges he'd applied to would send acceptance letters and which would send regrets; he fielded numerous calls about his interests and Brad accompanied him on several trips for interviews. He has been genuinely torn, because he has available to him several tremendous opportunities, and he has been conflicted about the direction he wants to go.
Everything came down to two important things: the chance to study abroad, and not wanting to leave everyone behind. He'd been genuinely excited about the prospect of living overseas and having his family close by. Rachel and Kevin had also become very excited. Hell, so had Char and I. We pushed the idea aside when it was clear that she had to have surgery soon, and when her doctor thought she would require months of recovery.
She's doing far better than expected. By the time the school year rolls over, she's likely to be at full recovery.
So, we're likely moving. Every member of this family wants to go, even if only for a year or two. Alex, Miko, and I are heading off to look for places to live while Brad stays here to help Char out, and while we're there Alex will decide between two universities that have offered him a place there.
All the pieces are falling so neatly into place that it makes no sense to not take this opportunity. The biggest worries Char and I had, leaving an empty house and leaving my brother behind, were solved easily enough with Craig's offer to move in for the duration. Frankie will be moving in with him and is possibly more determined than I to make sure he stays clean and sober.
It's not 100%; that will depend on what I find when Miko and I are looking for homes. But I've seen enough of the city to know that we'll find something good, even if temporary.
The kids are excited; I don't think they've truly considered what it will be like to leave their friends behind, but for now they're thrilled.
And oddly enough, I feel relief.
Friday, January 13, 2012
That didn't last long
Alex and I were making plans to go visit his potential next school and scope out the city for possible property for the family, and what the schools would be like for Rachel and Kevin. Then he started getting phone calls from other schools, feelers for follow-ups on his expressed interest in attending; long story short, he’s got viable, incredible options that would keep him on U.S. soil.
In the long run, that might be better, because Char’s checkups this week were not as stellar as we’d hoped, and she’s facing some significant surgery and rehab this year. Because of the accident two and a half years ago, she has avascular necrosis of the femoral head, and it’s reached the point of necessary replacement. She’s been in increasing pain and is losing mobility, so it has to be done. And we would prefer it be done here where we’re familiar with the doctors and hospital.
That doesn’t mean Alex is limited to U.S. schools. If going with Erin and Miko is what will get him the best education, he’ll go. Rachel and Kevin are understandably disappointed, but they understand. If Alex does go, we’ll be visiting and spending the summer traveling; if he ultimately chooses a state-side school, we can still take them to explore the places they’re interested in.
The hard part is going to be Erin, Miko, and the grandkids leaving. And then getting Char through everything she’s facing. She doesn’t seem fazed at all by it; it’s something that has to be done and she’d like to get it over with and get the rehab underway.
I wish I had half her strength.
In the long run, that might be better, because Char’s checkups this week were not as stellar as we’d hoped, and she’s facing some significant surgery and rehab this year. Because of the accident two and a half years ago, she has avascular necrosis of the femoral head, and it’s reached the point of necessary replacement. She’s been in increasing pain and is losing mobility, so it has to be done. And we would prefer it be done here where we’re familiar with the doctors and hospital.
That doesn’t mean Alex is limited to U.S. schools. If going with Erin and Miko is what will get him the best education, he’ll go. Rachel and Kevin are understandably disappointed, but they understand. If Alex does go, we’ll be visiting and spending the summer traveling; if he ultimately chooses a state-side school, we can still take them to explore the places they’re interested in.
The hard part is going to be Erin, Miko, and the grandkids leaving. And then getting Char through everything she’s facing. She doesn’t seem fazed at all by it; it’s something that has to be done and she’d like to get it over with and get the rehab underway.
I wish I had half her strength.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Ch-ch-ch-changes?
Over the holidays, we found ourselves staring into news we didn't want (but that was good for Erin and Miko), a possibility Alex did want (but we did not), and surprises from Rachel and Kevin about the aforementioned news and possibility. It came towards us with a not unexpected announcement from Brad: he's selling the bar and retiring.
What we don't want: Miko's job has presented him with the chance to take his family overseas; most of what he does goes over my head, but the meat of it is that he'll be leading a research team, as well as teaching. He can't not take the position; the opportunity is solid and will advance his career, whereas staying here will stall it in the next few years. This opportunity opened up, for Alex, the very real possibility of attending school overseas as well. It affords him an education undistracted by anything other than his field of study, and while he would be there in residence, Erin and Miko would be a phone call away.
Knowing what the opportunity means for his future, we didn't say no right off the bat; it's big enough that significant consideration must be weighed, his needs versus our fears, what he wants versus what would be the right thing. Every logical argument we could make leaning in either direction eventually ended with the realization that we can't stand in his way on this.
Rachel and Kevin's initial reaction: are we moving? I presumed that they would be relieved that the answer was no. We would stay here and let them finish school; we've discussed eventually living part-time in Ireland, but every intention has us waiting until the kids are all grown. But they surprised us; it's not fair, they each said in their own way, that Alex gets to see more of the world and they don't. I believed that was knee-jerk jealousy, but neither intended it to be. Rachel claims there is nothing here that she wouldn't have there; the world is a much smaller place with email and Facebook, and she pointed out that the friends she's closest to, the girls with whom she can share everything, moved away two and three years ago, and online is how they keep in touch.
Kevin would be leaving a lot behind; his dance school, friends he is extremely tight with, and there's Elizabeth. But still, when playing with the idea in his head, he's all for moving. There are places to learn to dance there. He can keep in touch with Elizabeth.
Their enthusiasm was unexpected, but still, we were not considering picking up and moving to another country simply because Alex wants to go to school there, or because Erin and Miko and the grandkids are going.
We were still at the "we're thinking about it" point with Alex and had not told him yes or no, when Peter and Nika announced that upon her graduation in May they are headed back to South Africa. Brad, who has resolutely refused to consider traveling any further than California to visit his family, decided it was time for him to get a passport, so that he would be able to visit. Alex jokingly told him if he wanted, he could live with him in a dorm room and bounce between there and Johannesburg; instead of blowing him off, Brad mused that if the "whole fucking family" was going, he would, too.
And then it was laid out in front of us. Erin and Miko are going, regardless. Alex is going for at least 3-4 years. Nika and Peter are leaving. Rachel and Kevin--at least for now--want to live somewhere different, and they want the chance to see more of the world. When we balanced everything, we realized there is truly nothing keeping us here, other than friendships and familiarity. Neither of us is tied to a job; I have business investments that can, for the most part, be handled from wherever I happen to be, and I could accommodate in-person needs with a plane ticket and rental car.
We tried to decide what was holding us back; the fact that it was the kids that championed the idea, or that deep down we felt a move was not a good idea, and we kept coming back to the notion that we were reluctant simply because it felt slightly backwards to have the kids pushing for this.
We're still not decided. It doesn't make sense to hold Alex back, but we're now grappling with the fundamentals of whether or not picking up and leaving everything behind would be in the kids' best interests. That's what it comes down to; what's best for them.
Alex has struggled the last couple of months with what he wants to ultimately do: transfer to an out of state school, or stay here and get his degree from a local university. He wants the best education he can get, but he also doesn't want to leave Stephanie behind. This chance to study abroad, however, cleared things up for him. He knows that right now his education comes first, he also knows that with effort he can stay connected to her, and if it's meant to be, they'll figure it out later. I wondered how he felt about the idea--even if it is a remote concept right now--that his entire family could follow him, if there would be (and perhaps rightfully so) resentment. Yet he expressed some relief; whether we follow or not, he'll be there in residence, he wouldn't live with us. But we would be right there, and as he put it, I'm only going to be seventeen, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that much of just me.
Everyone wants to go; I'm not sure why we're dragging out feet on a final decision. It'll come to me sooner rather than later, I suppose.
What we don't want: Miko's job has presented him with the chance to take his family overseas; most of what he does goes over my head, but the meat of it is that he'll be leading a research team, as well as teaching. He can't not take the position; the opportunity is solid and will advance his career, whereas staying here will stall it in the next few years. This opportunity opened up, for Alex, the very real possibility of attending school overseas as well. It affords him an education undistracted by anything other than his field of study, and while he would be there in residence, Erin and Miko would be a phone call away.
Knowing what the opportunity means for his future, we didn't say no right off the bat; it's big enough that significant consideration must be weighed, his needs versus our fears, what he wants versus what would be the right thing. Every logical argument we could make leaning in either direction eventually ended with the realization that we can't stand in his way on this.
Rachel and Kevin's initial reaction: are we moving? I presumed that they would be relieved that the answer was no. We would stay here and let them finish school; we've discussed eventually living part-time in Ireland, but every intention has us waiting until the kids are all grown. But they surprised us; it's not fair, they each said in their own way, that Alex gets to see more of the world and they don't. I believed that was knee-jerk jealousy, but neither intended it to be. Rachel claims there is nothing here that she wouldn't have there; the world is a much smaller place with email and Facebook, and she pointed out that the friends she's closest to, the girls with whom she can share everything, moved away two and three years ago, and online is how they keep in touch.
Kevin would be leaving a lot behind; his dance school, friends he is extremely tight with, and there's Elizabeth. But still, when playing with the idea in his head, he's all for moving. There are places to learn to dance there. He can keep in touch with Elizabeth.
Their enthusiasm was unexpected, but still, we were not considering picking up and moving to another country simply because Alex wants to go to school there, or because Erin and Miko and the grandkids are going.
We were still at the "we're thinking about it" point with Alex and had not told him yes or no, when Peter and Nika announced that upon her graduation in May they are headed back to South Africa. Brad, who has resolutely refused to consider traveling any further than California to visit his family, decided it was time for him to get a passport, so that he would be able to visit. Alex jokingly told him if he wanted, he could live with him in a dorm room and bounce between there and Johannesburg; instead of blowing him off, Brad mused that if the "whole fucking family" was going, he would, too.
And then it was laid out in front of us. Erin and Miko are going, regardless. Alex is going for at least 3-4 years. Nika and Peter are leaving. Rachel and Kevin--at least for now--want to live somewhere different, and they want the chance to see more of the world. When we balanced everything, we realized there is truly nothing keeping us here, other than friendships and familiarity. Neither of us is tied to a job; I have business investments that can, for the most part, be handled from wherever I happen to be, and I could accommodate in-person needs with a plane ticket and rental car.
We tried to decide what was holding us back; the fact that it was the kids that championed the idea, or that deep down we felt a move was not a good idea, and we kept coming back to the notion that we were reluctant simply because it felt slightly backwards to have the kids pushing for this.
We're still not decided. It doesn't make sense to hold Alex back, but we're now grappling with the fundamentals of whether or not picking up and leaving everything behind would be in the kids' best interests. That's what it comes down to; what's best for them.
Alex has struggled the last couple of months with what he wants to ultimately do: transfer to an out of state school, or stay here and get his degree from a local university. He wants the best education he can get, but he also doesn't want to leave Stephanie behind. This chance to study abroad, however, cleared things up for him. He knows that right now his education comes first, he also knows that with effort he can stay connected to her, and if it's meant to be, they'll figure it out later. I wondered how he felt about the idea--even if it is a remote concept right now--that his entire family could follow him, if there would be (and perhaps rightfully so) resentment. Yet he expressed some relief; whether we follow or not, he'll be there in residence, he wouldn't live with us. But we would be right there, and as he put it, I'm only going to be seventeen, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that much of just me.
Everyone wants to go; I'm not sure why we're dragging out feet on a final decision. It'll come to me sooner rather than later, I suppose.
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