Sunday, July 17, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Just call him Dad
I had a nice long post here but someone was uncomfortable with it and asked me to take it down. But, in a nutshell, we went to Vegas on a whim, Ian did a few nice things for a young couple, and we had a good time.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Sometimes in the dark is a good place to be
The start of what looks like it will be a very busy summer came with news that had, frankly, stumped both Char and me. What to do with it. Keep it to ourselves or let it loose and see where it went. We weren't sure what the right thing to do was, and the one person we asked for advice, Brad, could only shrug. He had no idea either.
He came over last week to tell us that Kevin's biological mother gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and she wanted us to know. What we did with that, tell Kevin or not, was up to us. She married last year, has created a good life for herself far from the neighborhood no one wanted Kevin to grow up in, and now that he has siblings, she thought he might want to know.
His birth mother is an issue we've struggled with. We know that the day will come when he wants to meet her; we agreed that once he was eighteen we would facilitate the meeting if he wanted us to. We've allowed Brad to share news about Kevin and photos of him, but she doesn't know where he is exactly, and Brad has honored out wish to keep it that way. What we don't know is what we'll do if he expresses a strong interest in meeting her before then. Or what to do if we allow it and they develop a relationship.
Whether it sounds petty or not, we really don't want him to ever consider her to be his mother. She gave birth to him, and in a streak of maturity beyond her age she gave him up to us to assure he would have a good life, but Char is his mother. It's more than a title; it's part of her identity and God help anyone who gets between her and her kids. If he ever called someone else "Mom" it would break her heart.
I know other families manage it, and we've tried to position ourselves to be fair about it when and if the time comes, but now that we're staring down the barrel of the gun, so to speak, now that there's a brother and sister he's related to by blood and he's only six years from us having no say in it, we're realizing that we're not as mature about it as we thought we would be. It's one thing for him to meet her; it's another thing to contemplate where meeting her could lead.
When Brad told us he has other siblings, Char was taken aback and I got this horrible, sick feeling weighing me down. He reiterated we were under no obligation to tell him, but after some consideration, we both realized we didn't have a choice. If we didn't tell him, and he found out some other way, especially if he found out we knew and didn't say anything, the fallout might be suffocating.
So we waited until Alex and Rachel were involved in something else and called him into the kitchen, and told him. We tried to make is as non-major as we could; Grandpa talked to your birth mother, and she got married a while ago and just had twins. A boy and a girl. We thought you would want to know.
He wanted to know their names, something we hadn't asked Brad, but assured him we could.
Do I have to get them like a birthday present or something? Or at Christmas?
That had never occurred to us. But no.
Well, that's good. Alex and Rachel cost me enough.
And for now, that's all he cares about. What might be expected of him. But we both know that the older he gets, the more curious he will become, and frankly, as prepared as we thought we were, now we know we're not, not at all.
He came over last week to tell us that Kevin's biological mother gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and she wanted us to know. What we did with that, tell Kevin or not, was up to us. She married last year, has created a good life for herself far from the neighborhood no one wanted Kevin to grow up in, and now that he has siblings, she thought he might want to know.
His birth mother is an issue we've struggled with. We know that the day will come when he wants to meet her; we agreed that once he was eighteen we would facilitate the meeting if he wanted us to. We've allowed Brad to share news about Kevin and photos of him, but she doesn't know where he is exactly, and Brad has honored out wish to keep it that way. What we don't know is what we'll do if he expresses a strong interest in meeting her before then. Or what to do if we allow it and they develop a relationship.
Whether it sounds petty or not, we really don't want him to ever consider her to be his mother. She gave birth to him, and in a streak of maturity beyond her age she gave him up to us to assure he would have a good life, but Char is his mother. It's more than a title; it's part of her identity and God help anyone who gets between her and her kids. If he ever called someone else "Mom" it would break her heart.
I know other families manage it, and we've tried to position ourselves to be fair about it when and if the time comes, but now that we're staring down the barrel of the gun, so to speak, now that there's a brother and sister he's related to by blood and he's only six years from us having no say in it, we're realizing that we're not as mature about it as we thought we would be. It's one thing for him to meet her; it's another thing to contemplate where meeting her could lead.
When Brad told us he has other siblings, Char was taken aback and I got this horrible, sick feeling weighing me down. He reiterated we were under no obligation to tell him, but after some consideration, we both realized we didn't have a choice. If we didn't tell him, and he found out some other way, especially if he found out we knew and didn't say anything, the fallout might be suffocating.
So we waited until Alex and Rachel were involved in something else and called him into the kitchen, and told him. We tried to make is as non-major as we could; Grandpa talked to your birth mother, and she got married a while ago and just had twins. A boy and a girl. We thought you would want to know.
He wanted to know their names, something we hadn't asked Brad, but assured him we could.
Do I have to get them like a birthday present or something? Or at Christmas?
That had never occurred to us. But no.
Well, that's good. Alex and Rachel cost me enough.
And for now, that's all he cares about. What might be expected of him. But we both know that the older he gets, the more curious he will become, and frankly, as prepared as we thought we were, now we know we're not, not at all.
Friday, May 27, 2011
She used a lot of Kleenex, too
Rachel has a head cold; it's one of those colds where you understand that all you have is a cold, but you feel like death warmed over and your skull weighs a good 50 pounds. All you want to do is lie in bed and wallow in your own misery and whine about how much snot is running out of your stuffed up nose and how watery your eyes are.
Since there's no projectile vomiting involved, we're heartless and cruel parents and while we allow our cold-laden children to lounge in bed all day, we expect them to eat. Hell, we even bring the food to them. Whatever they want, within reason. Rachel wanted nothing more than macaroni and cheese at lunch, so Char made a giant pot of it and they had lunch together sitting on Rachel's bed.
Where Char is, the boys are sure to follow. They all wound up in Rachel's room, in spite of being warned they were going to catch her cold (Alex: I'm pretty sure she sneezed on me yesterday anyway) and when Rachel had eaten all she was going to, Char gathered up the bowls and told Alex and Kevin that their sister needed to get some sleep.
Rachel protested; she wasn't sleepy. She had a couple of chapters left in a book she was reading and wanted to finish it. Fine, she's 14, she knows if she needs a nap or not. Char left the boys in there and we did the dishes, and when I headed down the hall, I could hear Alex's voice rumbling low and peeked in.
They were all on the bed together, Rachel curled up on her side, Kevin at the foot of the bed, and Alex wedged in the middle, and he was reading to them. He looked up when he realized I was there and said, She wanted to finish her book, but her eyes are watering too much.
A couple of hours later they were all piled onto Char's and my bed to watch a DVD. Later, when Rachel was headed for bed and complaining that she was cold, Kevin got up to get an extra blanket for her, and Alex offered to make her some tea.
Once in a while, when the morbid crosses my mind and I contemplate how things would go for them if something happened to both Char and I, I worry that they'll flounder. But then days like this come around, and I know that if the worst does crash into them, they'll take care of each other. The thought made me feel pretty good. But then I started sneezing. And now my head hurts.
I completley blame the little cootie-mongers.
Since there's no projectile vomiting involved, we're heartless and cruel parents and while we allow our cold-laden children to lounge in bed all day, we expect them to eat. Hell, we even bring the food to them. Whatever they want, within reason. Rachel wanted nothing more than macaroni and cheese at lunch, so Char made a giant pot of it and they had lunch together sitting on Rachel's bed.
Where Char is, the boys are sure to follow. They all wound up in Rachel's room, in spite of being warned they were going to catch her cold (Alex: I'm pretty sure she sneezed on me yesterday anyway) and when Rachel had eaten all she was going to, Char gathered up the bowls and told Alex and Kevin that their sister needed to get some sleep.
Rachel protested; she wasn't sleepy. She had a couple of chapters left in a book she was reading and wanted to finish it. Fine, she's 14, she knows if she needs a nap or not. Char left the boys in there and we did the dishes, and when I headed down the hall, I could hear Alex's voice rumbling low and peeked in.
They were all on the bed together, Rachel curled up on her side, Kevin at the foot of the bed, and Alex wedged in the middle, and he was reading to them. He looked up when he realized I was there and said, She wanted to finish her book, but her eyes are watering too much.
A couple of hours later they were all piled onto Char's and my bed to watch a DVD. Later, when Rachel was headed for bed and complaining that she was cold, Kevin got up to get an extra blanket for her, and Alex offered to make her some tea.
Once in a while, when the morbid crosses my mind and I contemplate how things would go for them if something happened to both Char and I, I worry that they'll flounder. But then days like this come around, and I know that if the worst does crash into them, they'll take care of each other. The thought made me feel pretty good. But then I started sneezing. And now my head hurts.
I completley blame the little cootie-mongers.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I have short hair for a reason
TK's oldest son, like Rachel, is headed into high school this fall. And unlike the parochial school my kids left this year, the public junior high has a "graduation" for them, which is essentially a two hour long snooze fest that even seemed to bore the kids. It's a non-event event; no caps and gowns, held in the afternoon so that half the parents can't attend because of work, all the kids in regular school clothes, fidgeting because they just want the day over with. None of the graduates seemed happy, and there was a lot of grumbling that a class party would have been much more fun.
Never say those words in front of Char. The kids wanted a party, the kids were getting a party. She told Rachel and Bryan to each invite "a few" of their friends, and we'd celebrate the end of junior high. It made the kids happy, which in turn made her happy, right up to the moment where she realized that a graduation party for Bryan meant also inviting Bryan's mother. They haven't been on speaking terms for several years because Char hasn't really forgiven her for the way she treated TK. TK has, but that's beside the point. Like it or not, we were having TK, his girlfriend, and his ex-wife-ex-Char's-best-friend in the house at the same time.
Even Kevin could see the potential there, and muttered This is going to be fun in a very oh-hell-no way.
The kids did have fun. Rachel and her friends liked Bryan and his friends, and the weather cooperated so much of their time was spent milling around the back yard and eating more food than should be humanly possible. They had a stereo going, and once the awkwardness of meeting new friends was over (and aided by Alex and Stephanie) some of them even tried dancing. Kevin and Elizabeth hung around with William and Richard (TK and Becky's twins) and while it was loud, it was tolerable. The goal was for the kids to have fun, and they did.
The adults even did a passable job of keeping the strain hidden. TK was in an awkward position; ideally he shouldn't have brought the girlfriend, but didn't see a way around it. We didn't know her well enough before this party to like or dislike her, but the kids seemed somewhat dismissive of her, and Becky obviously wishes she would die in a metaphorical fire. Still, maturity abounded, and we were able to sit and talk like grownups. I overheard the GF complain once to TK about how rude the kids all were and Becky shoot back that they were just being kids and she didn't need to try to be their friend; Char overheard it as well and covered up nicely, but she really wanted to laugh, because Becky was right. The kids were all being fine, but they didn't want to include the adults, and why would they? Ignoring us wasn't rude; they were outside having a good time, and we were inside trying to be civil.
Trying to be civil included trying to have a reasonable conversation, and when you have kids, the topic tends to drift towards them.
Important to note: TK and Becky's first child died within an hour of birth. Their fifth died within half a day. Both were born with multiple congenital medical problems, and there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it or save them. I didn't think they would ever recover from losing their first baby, and losing their last wrecked them both. They were both drowning in grief after that.
So we were talking about the kids and what they've been up to, and in a very clean moment of wonder that wasn't wrapped up in anger and sorrow, Becky mused about what their oldest would be like now. She would have recently turned fifteen, and Becky said out loud what we've all wondered all along. What would she have looked like? Would she and Alex and Rachel have been fast friends? Tomboy, girly-girl?
Char decided she would have been a princess, Daddy's girl all the way, even moreso than Rachel. And that their youngest daughter would have been the tomboy, always chasing after her brothers.
That made Becky smile and made TK laugh, and Becky said, very simply, that she misses them.
The GF look puzzled and said How? You didn't even know them. It's not like they were alive long enough for you to love them.
Before either TK or Becky could gather a coherent thought, Char leaned forward and very evenly informed the GF that not only were those baby girls loved, they were cherished and treasured, and that a day doesn't go by when Becky doesn't love them and miss them, and the fact that she went on to have her boys is a prime example of how much love she has to give to her children. We all miss those girls. We didn't have to meet them personally to feel the holes in our lives because they're not here. They were loved before they were born, and will be loved as long as any of us are still alive.
The GF was surprised, turned to TK and asked him if he was going to let her be spoken to that way. After all, he doesn't even like his ex.
He fished his keys out of his pocket and handed them to her, telling her to leave. Drive his car back to his apartment and get her own car, and just leave. He would ride back with the ex whom he might not like most days, but still loves every day.
She had the keys in her hand, but looked at them like she didn't know what to do with them until Char told her she had about ten seconds to get the hell out of our house before she was dragged out by her hair.
That got her moving. I think Char intended for us to all stay put and listen to the door slam shut, but I got up and followed her anyway, mostly because I didn't want the kids to hear the door slam shut. I expected to go back into the other room and find TK comforting Becky, but instead it was Char standing in the kitchen with her arms around the former best friend she can barely tolerate.
I was not happy when Becky left TK the way she did; it was cruel and thoughtless, but I also understood it and tried to not hold it against her. I still haven't forgiven her for the way she greeted Char last year after coming back, because it tapped into some very real pain for Char, but I can stand to be around her. I understand why TK still loves her and why their marriage exploded, and if he can forgive her for the way she left then it shouldn't matter so much to me. What matters to me is how she made Char feel about what the accident did to her.
But they did connect over the love of their kids. Char was there in every minute that Becky needed her after both girls were born and when they died, and she knows as much as TK does what Becky is feeling and how hearing that she couldn't have loved them must have hurt. And still angry or not, Char still loves the Becky she knew when they were both still pretty much just teenagers trying to pretend to be all grown up in their new jobs and the Becky who managed to be a pretty good mother to her kids even when she was desperately missing the ones who weren't there.
You don't disrespect someone Char loves in her own house and expect to get away with it.
My brother showed up not long after the GF was booted out, and we went outside to pester the kids while Char and Becky stayed inside to talk. And they talked for a long time, 95% of which I will never be told. I don't think this is a fix to their relationship, but it certainly gave it a place to start.
Craig was not surprised by any of it and mused that TK needs to meet a better class of women. I don't think he wants to meet a better class of women. I think he's just fine with dating women he knows Char will shred to pieces if she thinks she has to.
She's never threatened to drag Becky anywhere by her hair, so that says something.
Do I hope they can be friends again? Sure. Am I counting on it? No. But if Char and Becky can at least be friendly, it will go a long way in helping TK and Becky get back on track, and I think it's a track they both want to be on.
Never say those words in front of Char. The kids wanted a party, the kids were getting a party. She told Rachel and Bryan to each invite "a few" of their friends, and we'd celebrate the end of junior high. It made the kids happy, which in turn made her happy, right up to the moment where she realized that a graduation party for Bryan meant also inviting Bryan's mother. They haven't been on speaking terms for several years because Char hasn't really forgiven her for the way she treated TK. TK has, but that's beside the point. Like it or not, we were having TK, his girlfriend, and his ex-wife-ex-Char's-best-friend in the house at the same time.
Even Kevin could see the potential there, and muttered This is going to be fun in a very oh-hell-no way.
The kids did have fun. Rachel and her friends liked Bryan and his friends, and the weather cooperated so much of their time was spent milling around the back yard and eating more food than should be humanly possible. They had a stereo going, and once the awkwardness of meeting new friends was over (and aided by Alex and Stephanie) some of them even tried dancing. Kevin and Elizabeth hung around with William and Richard (TK and Becky's twins) and while it was loud, it was tolerable. The goal was for the kids to have fun, and they did.
The adults even did a passable job of keeping the strain hidden. TK was in an awkward position; ideally he shouldn't have brought the girlfriend, but didn't see a way around it. We didn't know her well enough before this party to like or dislike her, but the kids seemed somewhat dismissive of her, and Becky obviously wishes she would die in a metaphorical fire. Still, maturity abounded, and we were able to sit and talk like grownups. I overheard the GF complain once to TK about how rude the kids all were and Becky shoot back that they were just being kids and she didn't need to try to be their friend; Char overheard it as well and covered up nicely, but she really wanted to laugh, because Becky was right. The kids were all being fine, but they didn't want to include the adults, and why would they? Ignoring us wasn't rude; they were outside having a good time, and we were inside trying to be civil.
Trying to be civil included trying to have a reasonable conversation, and when you have kids, the topic tends to drift towards them.
Important to note: TK and Becky's first child died within an hour of birth. Their fifth died within half a day. Both were born with multiple congenital medical problems, and there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it or save them. I didn't think they would ever recover from losing their first baby, and losing their last wrecked them both. They were both drowning in grief after that.
So we were talking about the kids and what they've been up to, and in a very clean moment of wonder that wasn't wrapped up in anger and sorrow, Becky mused about what their oldest would be like now. She would have recently turned fifteen, and Becky said out loud what we've all wondered all along. What would she have looked like? Would she and Alex and Rachel have been fast friends? Tomboy, girly-girl?
Char decided she would have been a princess, Daddy's girl all the way, even moreso than Rachel. And that their youngest daughter would have been the tomboy, always chasing after her brothers.
That made Becky smile and made TK laugh, and Becky said, very simply, that she misses them.
The GF look puzzled and said How? You didn't even know them. It's not like they were alive long enough for you to love them.
Before either TK or Becky could gather a coherent thought, Char leaned forward and very evenly informed the GF that not only were those baby girls loved, they were cherished and treasured, and that a day doesn't go by when Becky doesn't love them and miss them, and the fact that she went on to have her boys is a prime example of how much love she has to give to her children. We all miss those girls. We didn't have to meet them personally to feel the holes in our lives because they're not here. They were loved before they were born, and will be loved as long as any of us are still alive.
The GF was surprised, turned to TK and asked him if he was going to let her be spoken to that way. After all, he doesn't even like his ex.
He fished his keys out of his pocket and handed them to her, telling her to leave. Drive his car back to his apartment and get her own car, and just leave. He would ride back with the ex whom he might not like most days, but still loves every day.
She had the keys in her hand, but looked at them like she didn't know what to do with them until Char told her she had about ten seconds to get the hell out of our house before she was dragged out by her hair.
That got her moving. I think Char intended for us to all stay put and listen to the door slam shut, but I got up and followed her anyway, mostly because I didn't want the kids to hear the door slam shut. I expected to go back into the other room and find TK comforting Becky, but instead it was Char standing in the kitchen with her arms around the former best friend she can barely tolerate.
I was not happy when Becky left TK the way she did; it was cruel and thoughtless, but I also understood it and tried to not hold it against her. I still haven't forgiven her for the way she greeted Char last year after coming back, because it tapped into some very real pain for Char, but I can stand to be around her. I understand why TK still loves her and why their marriage exploded, and if he can forgive her for the way she left then it shouldn't matter so much to me. What matters to me is how she made Char feel about what the accident did to her.
But they did connect over the love of their kids. Char was there in every minute that Becky needed her after both girls were born and when they died, and she knows as much as TK does what Becky is feeling and how hearing that she couldn't have loved them must have hurt. And still angry or not, Char still loves the Becky she knew when they were both still pretty much just teenagers trying to pretend to be all grown up in their new jobs and the Becky who managed to be a pretty good mother to her kids even when she was desperately missing the ones who weren't there.
You don't disrespect someone Char loves in her own house and expect to get away with it.
My brother showed up not long after the GF was booted out, and we went outside to pester the kids while Char and Becky stayed inside to talk. And they talked for a long time, 95% of which I will never be told. I don't think this is a fix to their relationship, but it certainly gave it a place to start.
Craig was not surprised by any of it and mused that TK needs to meet a better class of women. I don't think he wants to meet a better class of women. I think he's just fine with dating women he knows Char will shred to pieces if she thinks she has to.
She's never threatened to drag Becky anywhere by her hair, so that says something.
Do I hope they can be friends again? Sure. Am I counting on it? No. But if Char and Becky can at least be friendly, it will go a long way in helping TK and Becky get back on track, and I think it's a track they both want to be on.
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