I Ramble

This is our summer of being so completely non-busy that we're busier than ever. It's the first summer that we're both nearly always available to the kids, and the first time they've lived so close to their friends that it doesn't require major planning in order for them to hang out. Granted, there has always been a friend or two hanging around, but that also meant that someone's parents had to drive them all the way out to the sticks, and either Char or I had to drive them back later; that was time consuming and meant that the kids didn't do nearly as much with their friends over summers past.

Since school let out, this house has been dripping with kids. If we don't have plans as a family and we're going to be home, the kids' friends are here, hanging out by the pool, creating more noise than I really care for and eating more food than I thought was possible. But, it's not really a complaint. They're all happy and enjoying life as much as we hoped they would. With their friends hanging out here, we know where they are and what they're doing, even if what they're doing is compelling Char and I to do a hell of a lot of grocery shopping.

This is also Kevin's summer, apparently. He's grown, literally and figuratively. Last year he was still a small kid with child-like tendencies; this year he's half a foot taller, more mature, and losing that little boy look. He's gone from being a nearly shy kid to a very outgoing and social creature, something I don't think would have happened if we hadn't moved. Before, he had two or three friends close friends; these days he's a social butterfly, and better yet, those friends get him. They don't question his occasional affectation, they don't make fun of him when he points out their fashion faux pas; they also don't question why he is the way he is yet still seems attached at the hip to Elizabeth and damn near breathes her name instead of just saying it.

Too late in the summer, really, he decided he wanted to go to camp; we could have gotten him into the last two week session at the camp he wanted to attend, but we waffled hard. His friends get him; other kids might not, and while we know that sooner or later he'll have to face the cruelty that other people can sling at kids who are just a little but different, we just weren't sure that eleven years old is the right age to let him see just how mean people can be.

At the last minute, when we had to say yes or no, Alex told Kevin that camp without his friends would suck, so why not just have a weekend camp in the back yard? He could have a couple of his friends over, they'd sleep in tents outside, use the fire pit as a campfire, and Alex would be their “camp counselor.” There would be swimming, games, anything they really wanted to do, and he promised that none of his friends or Rachel's friends would hang around.

Kevin latched onto it; in the grander scheme of things, he would much prefer to hang with his friends, and if his big brother was going to personally assure a good time, then it was going to be awesome.

Out of necessity, I spent a lot of time this weekend just watching them. Alex and Kevin have the relationship I didn't quite have with my brother. Craig and I were close, sure, but there was always that something in between us, some river or resentment that neither of us could cross. It helps that there are a few years between my boys, and that Kevin looks up to Alex rather than competing with him; still, I watched them this weekend and felt a few too many pangs of what-if.

Craig is essentially done with this part of rehab. He can leave the facility at any time, but hasn't because he doesn't know what his next step should be. He still has a job waiting for him at home, but going home means going back to all his triggers, and the people who are more than happy to drag him back out of sobriety. He is, wisely, reluctant to do that.

He also hasn't asked me what I think he should do. But over the weekend, as we watched our kids entertain each other and Kevin's friends, Char and I talked about it. We both know Craig won't ask, because he feels like we've already done enough and that he should be able to figure out where to go from here. She and I agree, though, he shouldn't be expected to know for sure what his next step should be, and that he should be allowed some paralyzing fear. This is all new for him, and he'll need some support to make it work.

I've been reluctant to let him into my life, for many obvious and not very obvious reasons. My kids don't know him; that was not Craig's choice, but Char's and my decision, made before Kevin was even born. Over the years I've been certain it was the right one; the kids were too young to deal with his personality—though Alex has spoken to him on the phone often enough—and Kevin was far, far too sensitive to even try.

But, things have changed. My kids have changed, and my brother is working very hard at changing. We may never have the relationship my boys have, but we at least have a chance at some sort of relationship. I doubt it will ever be easy, but unless I let a wall down, we'll never know.

If you know me even remotely well, you know how hard it is for me to let anyone peek over that wall, let alone let them over it. But later today I'm getting on a plane so that I can be there when my brother “graduates” from rehab. If he agrees to come with me, while we get him checked out and get his personal stuff in order, Char will rent him an apartment nearby. He can keep working on his sobriety here, away from the things that keep sending him back to drinking and drugs, and with any luck, he and I can start rebuilding our relationship.

I am still reluctant to let him into my kids' lives; I don't think he'd pull any of the kinds of crap on them he has on me, but I'm still not sure what kind of chance he has to stay alive much less sober. But, so many things have changed in the last year—Char's sister showing up and how much she's changed, how the kids are thriving, especially Kevin—that I feel like I need to give him this chance, and by letting him into my life showing him I do have some faith in him.

I'll probably always think he's a damned idiot (still bitter about him trying to sell me to the nuns, I guess) and I'm not sure I'll ever really let my guard completely down, but if I don't give him a reasonable chance, who else will?

Alex gives Kevin chances all the time. He accepts his little brother for who he is and how he is, he embraces it and protects Kevin when he can. I've seen it over and over this summer, and it was so apparent over this weekend. I know there are times when Kevin annoys the hell out of Alex, but he still makes the effort to be what Kevin needs him to be, and I'm certain that's a part of why this has turned out to be Kevin's summer.

That's the least I can do for my brother. If I can't try to be what he needs, when he's trying so hard to be what I need, then I've failed on more fronts than just the brotherhood one.