I'm so not ready for this

I think we've hit the parts of parenting that neither of us was prepared for; we had the kids with the intent to raise them into self reliant adults, and hoped that along the way we could instill values in them that would become part of who they are, and for the most part I think we've accomplished that. Make no mistake, we have three teenagers in the house (yes, I know, Kevin is not yet 13 but he might as well be; he has the eye rolling part down pat) and there are days we go to bed as exhausted as we did when they were toddlers. For the most part, they amuse us, even at their teen-worst (I suppose that's because their worst isn't all that bad, not compared to a lot of kids we know) but there are days...

They're reaching towards problems that are pushing into adult territory, and we don't always know what to do about it. Alex, especially. He's 16 going on 30, he's in a relationship that's grown closer than I would like (read into that what you will, and you'll probably be right) and he's as serious and committed to it as he can possibly be at this age; he's also trying to figure out a way to break his own heart without breaking his girlfriend's.

He doesn't want to break up with her, but it occurred to him recently that he may effectively be doing that at the end of next summer. The realization hit him as he was pouring over information on a few potential colleges he's considering for when he's done at the community college. He's wrestling with what to do, stay here and go to school locally, which might not be in his best long term interest, or go away to school and risk distance being something that comes between them.

His realization has lead to many evenings spent sitting by the pool, in the cold, while he contemplates what he's going to do. It's almost as hard on us because we can't really tell him what to do; we can point out some obvious things, like email and texting and cell phones, and the fact that going away to school doesn't mean staying away for good. There are holidays and weekends, and unless he winds up overseas somehow he can always come home when he feels the need. We can also bite our tongues and avoid telling him that some distance might do them both some good; they're too young to be living life as if they're going to be together forever, and it might give them both some perspective.

I also can't tell him that most of me wants him to stay home and go to school here. I'm not ready to send my son out into the world and I don't imagine that I will be in 9 months. He won't be quite 17 when the next school year begins. When he was born my idea of being his mother had him here with us until he was 22 and graduating from college.

He relies more on his father when it comes to talking this out, which is good because I'm not sure I can avoid telling him how badly I want him to stay home. Ian is capable of helping him weight the pros and cons and making sure that the primary consideration is Alex's entire future, not his mother's feelings, and not his girlfriend's.

But still, he knows that if he chooses to leave, even if he can find a way to do it and not hurt Stephanie, he'll be breaking his own heart by going. And the collateral from that just isn't something I was ever prepared to have to deal with.

My dad let me leave at 18; he sent me clear across the country, and I had no idea how hard that was for him, not until I started thinking about Alex leaving. My dad let me go because it really was the best for me. I know that if Alex chooses a school out of state that it will be because it's the best for him, but I don't have to like it. And I suppose he doesn't have to, either.

All our kids

The last two weeks have been hectic; we were simply waiting for Erin to have her baby, but then Miko came down with a gastric-intestinal bug, which spread through their house like biological wildfire. Both parents, all three kids, sick as can be, so we moved them into our house, sent the boys to stay with my dad because they showed no signs of it, and moved Rachel onto an air mattress in our room because she had a mild case. They were all so sick that it was scary, especially Erin. She wanted to have that baby so badly and in her head that was going to make everything better, but luckily she didn't go into labor while throwing up everything she'd eaten for the last week.

Ian and I were lucky; we still haven't gotten it. But he never complained once about all the work taking care of so many sick people at once entailed. He cleaned up barf without gagging, and he cleaned up a whole lot of kiddie poop and never flinched. He helped Miko bathe a few times, kept Travis and Thad as entertained as you can two little boys who feel so poorly, and he held Toni while she cried (because this kind of sick is embarrassing when you're a big fourth grader and trying to show your baby brothers how tough you are.) What touched me the most was seeing him curled up on the sofa with Erin (while Miko was splayed out on the kitchen floor, because it was cooler) on one side and Rachel on the other, holding both his girls close while they shared a hushed conversation about wanting that baby to come right now, and I listened as Erin admitted she hadn't thought about her own father in over a year but was suddenly wondering what had happened to him. Ian offered to find out, and Erin wants to know.

She doesn't think of her father as her dad, though. When she thinks of her dad, she thinks of Ian. And Rachel wanted to know when she was going to stop calling him Uncle Ian and start calling him Dad; Erin has never wanted Alex to feel displaced as the oldest, and certainly doesn't want Rachel to feel pushed aside as the only daughter.

I wanted to cry when Rachel told her she would never think that, because she's always thought of Erin as her big sister. And then she texted Alex and asked what he thought, and his response was "WTF? She's our sister so why hasn't she called him Dad all along?"

Ian told her she can call him whatever she's most comfortable with, but make no mistake, she's our daughter. Our kids think of her as their sibling; and yes, we had Alex and Rachel first, so she's not intruding on the order of things, if that's her biggest worry.

Erin is a sweet, sweet girl who still hasn't come to terms with why her own mother shoved her out the door (for that matter, neither have we) and she has no idea why her father left, but that's something I've always been able to empathize with. I still don't really know why my mother left, or where she is now. I understand that pain, though I think Erin's might be deeper since she did have 16 years with her mother. But I don't think she's ever felt as unconditionally loved as she does with Ian. He never had to be asked; the moment he found out his sister had thrown Erin out, he headed for Texas to get her. There was never a question about what he would do with her; she was coming to live with us, for as long as she needed and wanted to. His heart was there before the rest of him was, and I fell in love with her the minute she stepped through the front door.

She has been a joy to have, a very bright light in our lives and we've been lucky that she settled in easily and never really looked back.

Last night, just before dinner (which was the first solid food she had wanted to face for over a week) she looked up, eyes wide, and announced that "it's time." Poor Miko still feels horrible, but he'd stopped throwing up and was keeping Gatorade down, and I'm not sure how he felt about having to get dressed and leave the house, but when she said it was time we all took her seriously.

She was very calm all the way there, calm as Miko checked her in, and calm as she went into her room. Poor Ian was a nervous wreck, calling Miko's parents and my dad, so that he could take the boys back to the house and stay with Rachel. We waited at the hospital, because Ian insists that he be there when his grandkids are coming into the world, even if it is down the hall. And at 11:20, our newest granddaughter took her first breath, on 1-11-11.

Erin and Miko named her Charlene Alessandra Kosta, and I can't tell you how overwhelmed and thrilled it makes me to have her named after me. I was so touched about how focused she is on Ian being her dad that I never clued into the idea that we're a package deal. She says I've been her Mom for years, too, and if it had been another boy, he would have been Charlie.

I can't stop crying.

Ian is thrilled, too, and threatening to call her Chuck. I'm pretty sure he can get away with calling her anything he wants, but if Toni is any example, she'll be "little princess" most of the time.

We're still around

All right, Max, because you asked.

The highlights:

• After taking the kids to Ireland, we spent a lot of time babysitting the grand kids in order to give Erin a break while she wallows in her pregnancy. This one has been exhausting her, mostly because of the vast amounts of energy her two little boys have. She spends a lot of time here, too, so the babysitting is more like just helping, but two toddlers on crack is a lot of work.
• I left Char alone to deal with our kids as well as helping Erin and took Craig to Ireland; he had time off and we’d intended to take that trip 25-30 years ago, and Char thought it would be a good excuse for me to explore some retirement possibilities. I’ll tell you what; Ireland with a recovering alcoholic is kind of a bummer sometimes. He did well around the rest of our family who drank in front of him, though. And I don’t think he’ll ever go back; this was a see it for the last time kind of trip for him.
• Overall he’s doing really well. Great job, awesome girlfriend, and moving out of TK’s soon. Half of that is wanting to move in with Frankie, half is not wanting to live with TK’s kids. They’re great kids, but with them comes their mother. Yeah. That’s back on.
• Alex is now taller than I am, but I don’t think he’s realized it yet. He needs to stop growing before he hits the freak zone.
• He’s also declared a major; while we were sure it would be engineering or architecture, he’s decided on (for now) psychology. When asked why, because we were sure he’d go in another direction based upon his interest in building and fixing things, he answered that he’s more interested in fixing people. He looked at Char right after he said it, too.
• Rachel. Holy fuck, the stream of teenaged boys that go through this house. She’s not “dating” anyone and has declared boys for the most part to be “so totally not worth it” but that’s not stopping her from flirting like crazy and driving me nuts. And I admit to some curiosity over why she’s not actually going out with any of these guys; Char tells me that none of them have passed the big brother test, and his opinion matters to her. I hope he knows this.
• Kevin. I seriously think I will be chasing him and Elizabeth around with the garden hose more than I have Alex and Stephanie. For a kid who sets off nearly everyone’s gaydar…he’s either trying to figure it all out for himself, or he’s headed for some major stupidity, or both. And no, I am not feeling relief that he’s focused on a girl; I don’t want him groping anyone just yet.
• Remember Damien? He’s testing for his brown belt this week. This kid has made a huge turn around in the last couple of years; he graduated from high school at the end of summer and is heading into the Marine Corps. He can still be a bit of a dick, but now when something completely stupid comes out of his mouth he often catches himself and apologizes. Considering I expected him to be in jail by now, or dead because he picked on the wrong person, I am impressed by how he’s done.

Yeah. That's it. Traveling and kids and traveling with kids. And a lot of waiting for grandkid #4, who isn't due for 2 weeks but could come any time given Erin's past of delivering early. There may also be some coraling of the pseudo-son-in-law and dragging his ass to a doctor, because if he does't get snipped soon, she's going to do it for him while he sleeps.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Alex started back to school last week, and today Rachel and Kevin’s school year began. I had worried about how Rachel would do heading off to her first day of high school, mostly because this is the first time she’s gone to school without one of her brothers, but she was surrounded by friends at the bus stop and never looked back.



I wasn’t worried about Kevin heading off without his sister; he spent enough time over the summer blabbering about how much fun this year was going to be—ninety percent of that owed to the fact that Elizabeth would be joining him there—and he’s enough of a social butterfly that if the thought that he was also heading to school without a sibling for the first had occurred to him, it was a fleeting thought.



But, the summer; between friends hanging around the house and Alex’s jobs, Rachel venturing out into babysitting, camp, Kevin immersing a little further into dance, the kids kept us busy. There was still a lot of family time crammed into the chaos, and last month we took them to Ireland to meet some of Ian’s cousins and to sight-see, and then took a detour on the way home because they really wanted to see Cardiff. Secretly, they harbored hope that they would find a Doctor Who-like police box; they didn’t, but they were thrilled to find a touch of Torchwood.



Early in the summer a new family moved into a house across the street, and they have kids close to the ages of ours, and Kevin made a fast friend out of their 13 year old son, Carlos. With Elizabeth, it was like the three amigos and they spent a lot of time hanging out by the pool. He seems like a good kid, very funny and as quick witted as Kevin, but more than that he seems to have a good head on his shoulders and knows when to be polite and when he can mess with the adults around him.



He has two older brothers and an older sister, but we didn’t see as much of them. Alex hung out with the oldest boy a bit and took him on a tour of the college, but the other two kids kept to themselves a lot. If Carlos is any indication, we’ll get to know them later, after they’ve gotten tired of being so annoyed about having to move.



Ian and I did take some time for us with a quick trip to Vegas, but for the most part it’s been a summer full of kids and carting them to jobs and movies and places to hang with their friends. We’ve been babysitting the grandkids quite a bit, too, trying to give Erin some breathing room, because she is still not happy about being pregnant. She’s happy about having another baby, but she’s not enjoying getting through being pregnant and would be thrilled of one of us could snap our fingers and make this baby be here now instead of the end of October.



The cap to the summer: Ian getting kissed by one of the regulars in my dad’s bar. Male regular. And hearing Alex blurt out “Dude that’s my dad!”



Funnier, I don’t think Ian minded.

Testing 1,2,3

Heyya Chuckles

Happy birthday, angel :)